NO, WAIT! I'm not saying our Haunted House isn't great. It is extremely great and at a reasonable price and you should totally go. It's open every night at 1323 Lee Trevino.

What I meant was, here are some signs you would see if our Haunted House wasn't living up to it's usual high, terrifying standards...


1.) The only thing being "haunted" is our conscience for charging 10 bucks for a 10 minute walk-thru.

2.) None of our “evil clowns” are as evil as the ones used as fast food mascots.

  3.) Instead of spending money on expensive zombie makeup, we just hired meth addicts.

  4.)Kids under 12 aren’t allowed in. Not because it’s too scary but because some of our employees are required by a court order to stay 500 feet away from children.


  5.)For insurance reasons, the chainsaw wielding maniac has to use an electric hedge pruner. So, he can only chase you 15 feet until he has to find another outlet.

  6.)The only person who jumps out and scare you is the panhandler that hangs around outside the exit.

  7.)  We couldn’t afford strobe lights this year so we installed “The Clapper” in every room.

  8.)The El Paso Chihuahua mascot is scarier than any of our costumes.

  9.) We advise pregnant women not to go through...unless they want their babies to get fetal lameness syndrome.

 10.) Instead of a fog machine, we just have Scott Ronson chain smoking in front of a fan.