A Million Ways To Die In The New West Texas
No gruesome newsy statics here, these considerations came after watching (for the hundredth time) the Seth MacFarlane movie "A Million Ways To Die In The West," and dwelling on the line "everything that's not you wants to kill you." Sure there were exaggerations and some of the scenarios rarely really happened, but still Seth's character Albert gave a frightening rundown of all the dangers associated of living in the old west, what he called "the worst of times."
Warning! This video is NSFW or Grandma or little kids.
It's been over 150 years since the railroads came to El Paso. Even so, there are still plenty of old west similar was to die in this new west that have nothing exclusively to do with these modern times like getting hit by a car or perishing in a plane crash. If I added all the leading cause of death categories from today that couldn't have been a newspaper headline in the 1800's, the title of this story would have been Two Million Ways To Die In The New West Texas. So let's look back and see some of the things that want to kill you that still hold true as a cautionary tale today.
Gun fights! Sadly guns are a bigger threat today than they were in the old west. Staring down a six-shooter was scary, but staring down today's weaponry is even scarier. Pluck any old Cowboy or Outlaw from the 1800's, put him in a showdown today, and watch their eyes pop out when they see what their opponent pulls out. Moral to the story? Increase your odds of making it to old age by not going to the bar, or get involved in a road incident, or any other misplaced macho moment and yelling "draw."
Venomous Snakes! At least with indoor plumbing there's less chance of getting bit in the rear going to take dump. Buuuut, these signs are all throughout the area for a reason.
Spiders! Though the truth is he majority of spiders are not aggressive and will only result in swelling and minor discomfort, if you find yourself lucky enough to allergic to one of the poisonous ones, you're as screwed today as you were then.
Big ferocious animals were another old and are another new west threat. Yes we have HUGE Cows...with horns! Forget that domesticated mascot in Austin, get in the way of a stampede of the big fellas and you'll be flatter than a snake that slithered onto I-10. There's also occasional Mountain Lions, aggressive badgers, feral hogs, random bears (without the additional amped effects from cocaine), and just about any carnivore who feels we should be one of the links in their food chain.
Water (I.e. drowning). There use to be a lot of water where that sign is, we swear. Once upon a time flooding was a real threat to every one living along the Rio Grande. Now we're lucky to even on occasion see enough water in the river to cover our knees. However should a gully washer occur you've still got to weary of water. Just look at the TV Station's footage of cars floating away every rainy season.
Booze in the old west was often laced with an assortment of WTF ingredients. Even worse was the intentional lacing of some bitter rival or scorned lover. Wait...all those could still happen today. Most importantly, as it was then it is now, don't drink and horse...I mean drive.
Bacteria. Yummy photo, right? As long as it's been properly handled. Long ago before refrigeration anything you stuck in your mouth was a spin of the wheel of risk. Spoilage was common and all kinds of wonderful catastrophes could await you after every meal. In modern times the only risk with meal time is...bacteria. Damn that Salmonella.
Nefarious Lawmen. Sometimes the good guys who patrolled our region were not really all that good. Read any history book chronicling the old west and you'll find many a crooked lawman amongst the numerous agencies of Law Enforcement (see Porvenir Massacre). Luckily those days are behind us and the odds of a Top Cop being indicted for corruption are... Nevermind.
Nefarious Outlaws. A man so mean "he shot and killed a man just for snoring" is the famous claim. John Wesley Hardin's professions and business interests aside, he was a notorious bad man. Bad existed men then, bad men exist now.
Disease. If you'd have asked anyone prior to March of 2020 they'd likely have answered, "nah, ain't worried about disease anymore like they had to be back in the olden days." Then came the Pandemic. Now the question is not IF it'll happen again, the question WHEN and WHAT will happen next. You might want to save any leftover masks. If nothing else, in the future you can use them when dressing up for Halloween parties. "What are you?" "I'm 2020."
The harsh Desert climate. In West Texas we get to enjoy a plethora of seasons...windy, allergy, ant, hotter than hell, rainy, mosquito, monsoon, and the list goes on and on. Guess what? They were all here during old west times, just like they are in new west times. There are some climate changes we could really use.
Him! Let's be clear, no movie has ever placed Godzilla in the Chihuahuan Desert. Even so, there was a time when this guy's ancestors did indeed walk along the old pass. Inserting this hazard is called "creative liberties." Admit it though, if you ever did see Godzilla in the Borderland all the other things that could kill you wouldn't seem as big a threat.
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