Serial killers are a hot commodity now. With shows on Netflix like “You” and the Ted Bundy documentary, there are actually online debates about which killer is sexier. Netflix even tweeted last week imploring viewers to stop being so thirsty for Bundy.

What’s this phenomenon about? Why does it always seem that no matter how heinous the crimes, there’s always a small (thankfully) segment of women who find themselves drawn to these horrible, awful men. Women wrote spicy letters to the Nightstalker. The Menendez brothers, though not technically serial killers, received multiple marriage proposals. Even Charles Manson was about to marry an attractive fan nearly 60 years younger than him until he learned that she only wanted to marry him so she could use his corpse as a tourist attraction after he died.

Since there’s always a disturbed segment who are attracted to the abyss, I’ve decided to write some serial killer poems for them and their weird, misguided kink.

As a bonus for non-weirdos, you can try to figure out which serial killer (real or fictional) is sending the Valentine.

(Scroll down for the answers)

I loved toying with cops
And seeing my name in the news
I never got caught
But I’m probably Ted Cruz.

Corn is a vegetable
Apple is fruit
I want to wear
Your skin like a suit.

Ill give you a kiss
I’ll give you a hug
If only you’ll climb in
My VW bug.

Roses are Red
Violets are blue
The reason I kill:
My neighbor’s dog told me to.

I put you on a pedestal
So don’t be a teaser
Because if you are
You’ll end up in my freezer

When I look down upon at you
I’m the luckiest of men
Because I get to say
It rubs the lotion on its skin.

I love you Brad Pitt
You’re one sexy fox
So I sent this present
Wait’ll you see what’s in the box.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
They gonna need dental records,
to identify you.

My Mother controls me
I just don’t have to power
To resist killing you
While you’re taking a shower.

I was loose for decades
And might have gone free
If not for those meddling kids
At 23andMe.

(This last one has a local angle so if you’re not from El Paso it’s understandable if you don’t get it. Non-El Pasoans, give yourself a pass on this one.)

You should be my valentine,
And I’ll tell you why
I’m the most famous graduate
Of Jefferson High


Zodiac Killer

Ed Gein (Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs is also acceptable)

Ted Bundy

Son of Sam David Berkowitz

Jeffrey Dahmer (possibly others)

Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs

John Doe from Se7en


Norman Bates from Psycho

The Golden State Killer Joseph DeAngelo

The Nightstalker Richard Ramirez

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