We like to give advice –we tell you what to buy, how to dress and occasionally how to please your lady.  Now, we want to share with you how to scare the ever-loving crap out of your lady by showing you this insane email from an investment banker from New York City.

This story is about a girl named Lauren and a guy named Mike.  They met at the New York Philharmonic one night after one of Lauren’s friends couldn’t make it to the event.  Being the strong independent woman that she was, Lauren decided to go alone.  She wound up meeting Mike and they decided to go on a date.  Lauren claims it was a “horrific date” and she ignored his text messages and voicemails hoping he would eventually get the hint.

Well, Mike didn’t understand the language of love nor the game of dating.  After not hearing back from Lauren Mike decided to do a little more internet stalking.  He found her e-mail, and proceeded to send her a 1600 word business-like e-mail, outlining how Lauren had led him on and how disappointed he was in her.

The e-mail turned up on Reddit, and you should really read the whole thing.  It’s Shakespeare for crazy people! Here are some of our favorite lines:

“You played with your hair a lot. A woman playing with her hair is a common sign of flirtation. You can even do a google search on it.”

“You said, “It was nice to meet you.” at the end of our date. A woman could say this statement as a way to show that she isn’t interested in seeing a man again or she could mean what she said–that it was nice to meet you. The statement, by itself, is inconclusive.”

“I think our date went well and that there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship. Of course, it’s difficult to predict what would happen, but I think there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship developing between us one day (or least there was before your non-response to my voicemail and text messages).”

“I could name more things that we have in common, but I’ll stop here. I don’t understand why you apparently don’t want to go out with me again. We have numerous things in common.”

“Well, I’ve done very well as an investment manager. I’ve made my parents several millions of dollars. That’s real money. That’s not monopoly money.”

“I suggest that we continue to go out and see what happens. Needless to say, I find you less appealing now (given that you haven’t returned my messages) than I did at our first date. However, I would be willing to go out with you again.”

If you like those gems than you won’t be disappointed because Mike brings even more crazy to the rest of the email.

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