Can you name three items that would cause the cashier to freak out?  Only three. No more, no less. Here's what I came up with:

  • A school backpack, a long black trench-coat and an AR-15.
  • A dog leash, a jar of peanut butter and a Hustler magazine
  • Full camouflage suit, ladder and binoculars
  • Large butchers knife, fava beans and a nice Chianti
  • (And, while I'm thinking of that movie) Lotion, hose and bucket with a length of rope
  • Assorted Halloween candy, razor blades and apples
  • Cake mix, rat poison and a sympathy card
  • Pregnancy test, wire coat hanger and a mop
  • Frying pan, a Chinese cookbook and a puppy
  • Jar of lubricant, porn magazine and a man's leather belt
  • Bottle of wine, romantic candles and a Doc McStuffins DVD
  • Donuts, donut holes and a bottle of Elmer's glue
  • Lighter fluid, a super soaker and a butane lighter
  • A tiki torch, a white sheet and scissors
  • Gerbil food, gerbil and KY Jelly
  • Economy sized sleeping pills, bottle of bourbon and a "Do Not Resuscitate" bracelet
  • Acid, a dental retractor and a steel funnel
  • Sudafed, a hammer and a package of straws
  • A breast pump, diapers for a newborn and a gallon of Vodka
 ...and, finally, this is my favorite. I am both proud of myself and simultaneously disgusted to have thought of this.
  1. Take a box of condoms up to checkout
  2. Whatever the price is, tell the cashier you don't have enough money
  3. Go put the condoms back
  4. Go back to the same cashier with saran wrap and rubber bands

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