Do You Understand These Great Texas Witticisms?

I was born and raised in Texas and, growing up amongst a bunch of sarcastic, smartasses, I heard all kinds of great sayings used to explain things. Like these ...

My family, both maternal and paternal sides of it, was made up of people who spoke their minds. They didn't really hold much, if anything, back and they could shoot the truth at you in some pretty creative ways.

Calling someone a dumbf**k is frowned upon in certain situations but they could still make their point known ... even if they did have to be nice about it.

There are all kinds of subtle ways to point out flaws, errors and idiots. They may not be exclusive to Texas but we, at the least, probably came up with (most of) them first. Here we go, let the lesson begin ...

Someone who isn't exactly a genius:

• If brains were lard, he couldn't grease a pan.
• If brains were ink, she couldn’t dot an i.
• So thick-headed, if you hit him in the face with a tire iron, he won’t yell till morning.
• He could screw up a cannonball.

Things That Are Less Than Ideal:

• Like hugging a rose bush.
• I’d just as soon bite a bug.
• As effective as a three-legged dog trying to bury a bone on an icy pond.

Things That Are Ok:

• It’s better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.
• Close enough for government work.
• Might as well ... Can’t dance, never could sing, and it’s too wet to plow.

Crazy People:

• A can short of a 6 pack.
• She’s two sandwiches short of a picnic.
• Half a bubble off center.
• The porch light’s on but nobody's home.

On The Large Side:

• She’s warm in winter, shady in summer.
• He’ll eat anything that don’t eat him first
• She's easier to jump over than to walk around.

On The Small Side:

• She’s frying size.
• He’s knee-high to a grasshopper.
• Half as big as a minute.
• So skinny she shades herself under the clothesline.

Confused:

• Doesn't know whether he's coming or going.
• I can explain it to you but I can't understand it for you.
• As confused as a goat on astro turf.

A Little Light On Cash:

• If a trip around the world cost a dollar, he couldn’t make the state line.
• Change for a dollar? He can't afford to change his mind.
• Hasn't got a pot to p*** in, 'nor a window to throw it out of.

If you'd like to read a few more sayings and funny, not so friendly, phrases from the lone star state, click here ya'll.