Feds Prepare to Rain HELL from Above on New Mexico COWS

New Mexico has a FERAL COW problem, FYI, and the U.S. Forest Service says they're CULLING them in “the most efficient and humane way,” SNIPERS and HELICOPTERS.

The U.S. Forest Service says they will begin removing the cows this Thursday, February 23, using what they say is “the most efficient and humane way”: shooting them with high-powered sniper rifles from helicopters.

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The planned cull will continue from Thursday through Sunday, February 26th, targeting feral cattle in the protected Gila National Forest.

Ranchers who think they may have some of their cattle free-ranging in the area are encouraged to round them up and move them before the aerial massacre begins on Thursday.

Now, a round of FAQs about COW CARNAGE 2023:

Q: Are the cows hurting anyone?

A: Yes. The Forest Service says the wild cows cause habitat damage for endangered species. They also say the cows “threaten public safety” but don’t specify how.

Q: Why are there feral cows in the Gila Forest?

A: Glad you asked! Apparently, a rancher turned his cows loose on the Redstone Allotment. It’s been pure Cowmageddon there ever since.

Q: Will the assassinated cows be used for a good cause? Such as, feeding the homeless or making chili for school lunches in underserved communities.

A: No. Federal officials say the cows will “be left to decompose” where they fall naturally.

Q: Wait…they’re going to kill hundreds of cows and NOT use them to make delicious steaks or hamburgers?

A: Correct. However, officials say, staff will work to make sure the decomposing cattle won’t be “near any water source, hiking trail or known culturally sensitive area.” 

Q: Sorry…what’s this about “culturally sensitive areas”??

A: You know, like a native American burial ground. We all know those places are haunted as f*** (see Pet Semetary, Poltergeist, etc.).

We can only assume killing a cow on those lands and leaving it to rot would make them even MORE haunted than they already are. It’s a risk we’re just not willing to take.

Q: How can you tell a feral cow from a domesticated cow?

A: The feral cows don’t like to be petted. You can leave some cow food out in an alley for them but that’s about as close as they’ll let you get.