New Mexico has a FERAL COW problem, FYI, and the U.S. Forest Service says they're CULLING them in “the most efficient and humane way,” SNIPERS and HELICOPTERS.

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The U.S. Forest Service says they will begin removing the cows this Thursday, February 23, using what they say is “the most efficient and humane way”: shooting them with high-powered sniper rifles from helicopters.

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The planned cull will continue from Thursday through Sunday, February 26th, targeting feral cattle in the protected Gila National Forest.

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Ranchers who think they may have some of their cattle free-ranging in the area are encouraged to round them up and move them before the aerial massacre begins on Thursday.

Now, a round of FAQs about COW CARNAGE 2023:

Q: Are the cows hurting anyone?

A: Yes. The Forest Service says the wild cows cause habitat damage for endangered species. They also say the cows “threaten public safety” but don’t specify how.

Q: Why are there feral cows in the Gila Forest?

A: Glad you asked! Apparently, a rancher turned his cows loose on the Redstone Allotment. It’s been pure Cowmageddon there ever since.

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Q: Will the assassinated cows be used for a good cause? Such as, feeding the homeless or making chili for school lunches in underserved communities.

A: No. Federal officials say the cows will “be left to decompose” where they fall naturally.

Q: Wait…they’re going to kill hundreds of cows and NOT use them to make delicious steaks or hamburgers?

A: Correct. However, officials say, staff will work to make sure the decomposing cattle won’t be “near any water source, hiking trail or known culturally sensitive area.” 

Q: Sorry…what’s this about “culturally sensitive areas”??

A: You know, like a native American burial ground. We all know those places are haunted as f*** (see Pet Semetary, Poltergeist, etc.).

We can only assume killing a cow on those lands and leaving it to rot would make them even MORE haunted than they already are. It’s a risk we’re just not willing to take.

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Q: How can you tell a feral cow from a domesticated cow?

A: The feral cows don’t like to be petted. You can leave some cow food out in an alley for them but that’s about as close as they’ll let you get.

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