I’m 100% Team Natalie and here’s why:

It’s one of those situations where one famous person describes something that happened one way and another famous person gives an account of the same event that is contradictory. Only ONE of these versions can be true and it is our duty as consumers of pop culture to decide which famous person we believe. I mean, what am I supposed to do? NOT have an opinion about a beef between two celebrities I’ve never met? What do I look like to you, some kind of dirty Commie??

Moby is a famous…I want to say…musician, maybe? I’d recognize him if I saw him and I know he had some sort of beef with Eminem 20 years ago but beyond that…

Anyway, Moby (described by Eminem as a “36 year old baldheaded f***”) has written a book about his life and times. In his book he talks about how he had dated Natalie Portman.

To summarize, Moby writes that he met Natalie Portman when she was 20 and he was 33. They briefly dated, according to him, until she called to say she’d met somebody else (and this is where the narrative becomes TOO suspicious) he was RELIEVED that she dumped him. HE was relieved. To be dumped by Natalie Portman. Moby.

So, Portman responded by saying, essentially, that they’d met but not dated and that she put an end to it when she realized he was interested in her as more than just “friends”. She added that she was actually barely 17, NOT 20, and that she found it disturbing that he’s telling this story to sell books.

Moby responded to the diss on Instagram by again asserting that, he DID date Natalie Portman and posting a throwback photo of them together as if to say, “Yuh-huh, we dated! Here’s a picture of us standing next to each other to prove it”.

Here’s how Moby describes their time “together” in his new memoir, “Then it Fell Apart”.

“She brought me back to her dorm room and we lay down next to each other on her small bed. After she fell asleep I carefully extracted myself from her arms and took a taxi back to my hotel”.

Now, here’s exactly what NatPo (a celebrity nickname that I just coined) describes the same “relationship”.

“I was a fan and went to one of his shows when I had just graduated. When we met after the show, he said, ‘Let’s be friends’. We only hung out a few times before I realized that this was an older man who was interested in my in a way that felt inappropriate”.

Natalie also says she was definitely younger than 20 when this happened.

A couple of things lead me to believe that Natalie Portman’s version of events is probably closer to the truth. I will list them here:

1.) Moby says in his book that he was 33 and Natalie was 20. A quick check of both of their bios shows that when Moby was 33 Natalie Portman was either 18 or possibly 17. So Natalie Portman is accurate about this timeline that could easily be fact-checked on Wikipedia, you know…BEFORE you published it in a book, Moby.

2.) The rest of Moby’s memoir is about how much he was drinking and doing drugs during the time frame in question. It just seems more likely that Moby’s recollection, even his INTERPRETATION of what happened might have been fogged by substance abuse.

We’re talking about alcohol abuse to the point where Moby tells the story about that time he, drunkenly, sexually assaulted Donald Trump at a party.

3.) This point is the main one: “You Are MOBY and She is NATALIE PORTMAN”.

As a practicing man myself, I can tell you that men have an amazing skill to misinterpret what’s going on in a way that makes them feel cooler. Also, I think it’s fair to say that lots of attractive, young women are sometimes in willful denial about the attention they receive from men. Here’s how I think this all went down.

I think both of their recollections are based in what actually happened. Moby believed and still believes that he was “dating” this extremely hot but extremely young famous woman. What guy wouldn’t want to believe that? Add drugs and alcohol to the mix and I’m sure Moby really, really thought Natalie was into him in that way. Meantime, Natalie probably thought Moby was gay. I mean, I think we all did back in the early 2000s, right?

Young women, without “mansplaining” I hope, a word of advice: If you meet an older man who wants to “hang out” and “be friends” or even “take a trip to Vegas together and just can’t BELIEVE the hotel messed up the reservation! I explicitly told them SEPARATE rooms”…there is a 99.99999% chance he has another motive in mind. If he looks like Moby and you look like Natalie Portman those odds go up to a nice, even 100%”.

It sound like they need to do an update to the Natalie Rap, though.

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