El Paso Neighborhood-Themed Coffee Drinks You Should Try

What if your favorite café had a secret menu based on the El Paso neighborhood you live in? How would they represent that neighborhood? And what would be the secret to ordering?

I've lived in El Paso my whole life and I'm here to answer all your stereotypical chuco coffee questions!

WESTSIDE
If you are ever on the west side of town, on purpose or most likely by accident, then try ordering the FLAT WHITE KAREN. It's a rich yet somehow bland espresso-based drink that expresses a lot of opinions, accompanied by steamed milk, micro-foam, and a sense of superiority. The only way to order this potable liquid is to complain to the manager.

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EASTSIDE
Let's say you're cruising around town and you're on the East side of El Paso, go to the nearest Starbucks and get yourself the Model Home Mocha. A sugary dark beverage based on a template of other drinks; you won't find anything unique about this one because chances are your neighbors are drinking the exact same thing. Normally served with one shot of espresso, depending on the size of your clip, hot frothy milk, guys you know what I'm talking about, and a whole bunch of chocolate/diabetes. The only way to order this perfect drink is to say you're on your way to dialysis.

LOWER VALLEY
If you are ever going about your business, take a wrong exit and find yourself south of I-10 then go to your nearest Starbucks and order the Rio Grande South Americano. A velvety smooth elixir prepared by diluting an espresso with river water the strength of a South Americano depends on the number of shots their friends are willing to buy. This cup of Jose comes tasting like the earthy notes of cinnamon, truffle, livestock, and Vicente Fernandez. It's a true southern beverage brimming with the flavors of the country, the one that borders us. To order this coy coffee you must be wearing a cowboy hat and pointy boots.

NORTHEAST
Closer to the mountain, if you're on the northeast side of El Paso then dip into a Starbucks and order a tall-boy or an Old English sweet cream. A mixture of only the finest malt liquor beverages and coffee; this is the only liquid refreshment chuco cholos choose to imbibe. The only way to order this swill is by first saying, "Quibole" when you enter and then "te watcho" when you leave.