5 BETTER FOODS To Feed Monkeys At The El Paso Zoo

Luz "Lucy" Rae has shown the community how much monkeys at the El Paso Zoo love whatever f*@#ing food we give them.

I've taken the heavy burden of creating, and even worse, testing a list of ALTERNATIVE foods you might want to consider feeding the monkeys next time you're passing BoBo's or Chimp Chimp's exhibit at the El Paso Zoo.

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(LEGAL DISCLAIMER: if you've read up to this point, congratulations! You can read! Also, I hope that means you know this article is a joke and somewhat good satire. Do not take it seriously and do not feed monkeys at the zoo.)

1. Flamin Hot Cheetos

Our news partner at KVIA Channel-7 said Luz "Lucy" Rae fed the spider monkeys regular Cheetos, NOT hot ones. So I think it's about high time these rascals get a taste of the dark side of El Paso and eat some extra Hot flaming Cheetos.

2. Sour Patch Kids

Spider monkeys already have pretty hilarious faces but imagine after eating some Sour Patch Kids!? Also, I'm sure they've already eaten regular kids, so this is a sweet and sour step up.

3. Pop Rocks

Everybody should experience the explosive tingling sensations of Pop-Rocks in their mouth, including monkeys.

4. Natty Light

If the monkeys thought Cheetos were a good time, they're about to get turnt-up to lit-level 11 with the worst beer in the world. Don't worry if they've never had anything else; it will be the best thing they should never have tasted!

5. Smaller Monkeys

Take a walk on the wild side and give your monkey something exotic to eat, like a smaller monkey. Bonobo? Chimp? It's your choice!

There you go! Those are some BETTER foods to feed your monkey!