Many people (2) have asked my opinion on the season premiere of “Walking Dead” on AMC. In a nutsack, I liked it. Good story, great make-up and since it’s a zombie story, you get to see violence that is waaaaaay more graphic than anything they’d let on TV otherwise.

That being said, there are lapses in judgment that the band of survivors seem to make over and over again. If only I could give them the benefit of my own zombie survival expertise. Here’s the advice I would give them.

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    “Yeah, but I’m waiting for the end of the year R.V. Liquidation Event”

    In the season premiere, the group is blocked by a pile-up of  abandoned vehicles. At just this moment, the ol’ R.V. blows a radiator hose. No one is surprised because it’s been established in previous dialog that this is a real hunk of crap. So, they immediately start…wait for it…manually rolling cars and trucks and SUV’s of all kinds out of the way to make a path for their hunk of crap R.V.!!!

    Really, Walking Dead survivors? You’re going to stick with the Winnebago that you’ve been cursing at for the past 5 episodes instead of checking to see if there might possibly be a more reliable? Don’t you think you might want to keep your eye open for another ride…one that doesn’t break down more often than Middle East peace talks? Maybe something like…I’m just brainstorming here…the military Humvees and other armored vehicles they had parked at the C.D.C. where you just were?!??!

    While we’re on the R.V., maybe they should take a look at the lock on the door. Y’know...rig it so a zombie can’t just turn the handle and walk right in. Not finding a more reliable mode of transportation in a world full of abandoned vehicles with the keys still in the ignition is one thing. Letting a zombie walk right in because you can’t take the time to rig up a latch with some duct tape and a popsicle stick…that’s just plain slacker shit, there.

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    “And watch out for zombie-Amy Winehouse, do you hear me?”

    So, the survivors begin to go through the traffic jam of the damn, foraging for supplies. Good idea.

    THEN, the two kids in the group, who look to be about 10, ask if they can out and  have a look around. “Hell no! You kids stay inside that R.V. and don’t come out, you understand???”….

    ….is what any responsible parent would have said. Not these “parents”.

    “Sure, go ahead and look around. Just try to stay in ear-shot, O.K.?”

    When I was a kid, our family would go on a vacation every summer in our lime-green 1974 Chevy pussy-wagon.  When we stopped for gas, my brother and I were not allowed to so much as go around back to use the bathroom by ourselves. Was my mother worried about Zombies? No, because we didn’t live in a zombie-invested post-apocalyptical nightmare world. But she didn’t want us going anywhere by ourselves. She was afraid of…hippie cults!

    It’s true. The Manson Family murders were still fresh in America’s consciousness.  And by “America” I mean, “my mother”, and by “Consciousness” I mean “fevered imagination”.

    The point is, in the real world, children get abducted from Wal-Mart when their parents aren’t watching.  But in “The Walking Dead” letting the kids get out and stretch their legs through a deadly maze of rusting metal and rotting corpse seems to make perfect sense. Needless to say, misfortune befalls one of the youngsters.

    Hey, you were the one who said she couldn’t tinkle in a Mountain Dew bottle, kid.

    Once the child goes missing they organize a search party. The little boy pipes up that he wants to tag along. So, of course, his dad tells him to “get his sassy little ass back into the R.V. and not make a goddamn peep”, right?

    Son, there’s no way a zombie’s getting me as long as I can run faster than YOU!

    Nope. They decide they let the remaining little kid go out looking for the missing little kid. Can you guess how that turns out?

    Timmy? Timmy? NOW what kind of monkeyshines is that scamp up to?

    That’s a good choice. Nothing to be afraid of in these spooky zombie-ridden woods. I’m sure that entire Macy’s parade worth of undead carnivores was the last we’ll see around these here parts. No danger at all. Unless there are still zombies. Or, somebody gets spooked and starts slinging hot lead when they hear a twig snap. Oh, and the redneck guy has a cross-bow. Other than that, it’s clear sailing.

    Oh, and wolves, of course.

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    "They move like 2 m.p.h., Glen! WTF, dude?”

    Glen is the older gent who has two jobs. One is keeping the R.V. running, which he obviously is not very good at. The other is being the look-out with his binoculars for any approaching zombiiiieeeeesss ARGGGGH, ACKKK…Glen, why didn’t you tell me there were zombies right behind me??? Arrrghhh, they’re eating my hypothalamus! My beautiful, beautiful hypothalamus!!!!

    Watch for zombies. Stand on the roof with binoculars and watch for zombies. After missing the ZOMBIE MILLION MAN F*@#ING MARCH, I think Glen needs to be given something more his speed. Like…hmmmm. Let’s see….maybe, he could…or possibly he could…Nope. I can’t think of anything easier than being on look-out.  Congratulations. The world population is 12 and we can’t think of anything you can do.


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