Answers to Your Often-Wondered Questions About Human Relationships

Ever wonder how long to text a girl after a date? How about when you should use a handshake instead of a hug? Do you have to go to that work party? How do you get out of having a serial killer for a roommate?

Standup comic, writer for Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, co-creator of the Modern Seinfeld Twitter account and very funny human, Josh Gondelman, co-wrote a book that hilariously answers all these questions and more, and chatted about it with the Morning Show on Tuesday.

Gondelman's book, co-written with Joe Berkowitz, and entitled You Blew It — An Awkward Look at the Many Ways in Which You've Already Ruined Your Life is available in bookstores and on Amazon and other fine online retailers. The book discusses the social faux pas of modern-day culture. According to the book's blurb, "Humankind is doomed. Especially you. It’s already too late. From overstaying your welcome at a party, to leaving passive-aggressive post-its on your roommate’s belongings, to letting your date know the extent of the internet reconnaissance you did on them—you're destined to embarrass yourself again and again."

Here's an excerpt from the (hilarious book that had me nodding my head along and saying "SO true"):

The Handshake

What was once a simple clenching of fingers for the purpose of making sure the other person wasn’t going to stab you with a sword is now a minefield of unregulated finger gymnastics. First off, how much pressure do you apply during a handshake? You don’t want to go too hard with it. You would seem psychotic. Squeezing an acquaintance’s hand with a metric ton per square inch of pressure is like dunking over your sevenyear-old nephew. You’ve just proved that you are a big strong person who has no restraint. But you also don’t want to leave your hand completely limp, like your limbs are made of uncooked steak. It’s unnerving. Unless you are a surgeon or someone else who does delicate, creepy work with their fingers, grip firmly. Don’t be gross.

 

Even once you’ve gauged the appropriate pressure with which to clamp, there’s still the issue of handshake style. Do you pump once? Twice? Thrice? (Answer: One pump is standard, two is for politicians, and three is reserved for characters played by Chris Farley in early 1990s SNL sketches.) Plus, over the past few years, the handshake-shift-grip-pullin-for-a-hug-and-backslap has become increasingly popular. That move says: “I want to hug you, but I’m worried things are moving too fast. Oops. It happened.” Usually it’s men doing this. Women often feel less shame about showing physical affection to their friends, whether it’s hugging, cheek kisses, or making out while drunk and talking about it twice a year. On average, women are much less emotionally repressed.

Josh also told us about some of his embarrassing experiences at the Emmys, including complimenting Nikolaj Coster-Waldau (Jaime Lannister on Game of Thrones) on his shoes without recognizing who he was.

Here's a few of Josh's funniest quips from Twitter: