With the holiday season comes that most sacred of holiday traditions which is, or course, drinking heavily for the month of Decemeber. It seems as though a virus has contaminated our nation's alcohol supply, a virus that started with vodka distillers and has spread its tendrils across our precious booze industry: flavorings. And so, some truly awful ideas have made their way to market. Here are ten liquors you'll probably be spitting out in disgust this holiday season.
Here are ten liquors you'll probably be spitting out in disgust this holiday season.
We were torn between this and the lavender cognac inflicted on the world by Jacques Cardin, but lavender actually has a subtle, inoffensive flavor good for cocktails. If you like that kind of stuff. Jasmine cognac, on the other hand, is pretty much what you'd think chugging perfume would be like, complete with your gag reflex kicking in on the second sip.
Look, we get the idea behind making whiskey that gives you less of a burning sensation, but calling it things like 'Red Stag' and '7 Stone Cherry' doesn't make you any less of a wuss or any of these less disgusting.
OK, wait, stop. Does it really qualify as a “flavoring” when you take vodka, dump in some sugar and red food dye, and slap a “Red Fish” name across the label? Because that strikes us as just incredibly lazy and something only a college student would drink as a joke.
Gin, of course, is made with juniper, which is why straight gin generally tastes like drinking a Christmas tree. So apparently that flavor needed a bunch of citrus added to it, because the only way it could be more refreshing is if it tasted like a Christmas tree that's been hosed with orange juice.
Bourbon is quintessentially Southern, sweet tea is quintessentially Southern, but put the two together and you get something that tastes like somebody was told to mix two Southern foods…and decided to mix oysters and red velvet cake. This concoction goes down just as badly.
Yeah, because that's what whiskey was missing: the taste of Goldschlager.
When we were researching this, and ultimately tracked it down and drank some of it, we were absolutely unsurprised that this went for about ten bucks a bottle. It tastes pretty much exactly how you'd it would taste but a lot worse than you'd think when it takes the journey all cheap tequila inevitably does and comes right back up your throat.
Wormwood Schnapps AKA Malort
A longtime favorite in the Chicago area, and popularly known as Jeppson's after the sole distributor, 'Malort' is actually a Swedish form of schnapps. Not schnapps as you may know them from high school hangovers (that's just grain alcohol with flavorings thrown in) this is schnapps made the traditional German way — with no sugar added. The result generally gives the drinker a condition known as Malort face
. There's a good reason for that.
So, it's a vodka that is good for precisely one, and only one, drink– the Bloody Mary. Errrr, how exactly is this a profitable idea?
This should really come with a warning: “Consuming this whiskey in any way, shape or form will result in the immediate revocation of your man card and your ejection from the male gender.” Whiskey should never have a flavor other than whiskey.