Here is a list of all the foods that I like that are made from pumpkin:

1.) Pie

That is all. There is no other food in the pumpkin family that I have any interest, whatsoever, in eating. So, why the obsession with using October as an excuse to turn pumpkins into as many horrific food items as possible? I mean, if it really tasted good, they'd make them all of the other 11 months as well, right? I call this my Holiday Food Corollary: if a food is only good enough for one particular time of the year, it's actually not good and your mind is just playing tricks on you. The only exception to this corollary is Cadbury Eggs. Why do we only eat these at Easter?!? Those things are awesome!

Below, you will find a list of five pumpkin-based food items that are unholy should not exist. Then, a song that I've written about this unnatural obsession with pumpkins is included in MP3 form.

1.) Pumpkin Pringles


Pringles are pretty good. They're not my first choice, but there not bad.  Never have I been eating Pringles and thought to myself, "If only they could taste a little more like pumpkin spice".   The only good thing I can say about the Pumpkin Spice Pringles is that they surely can't be as disgusting as the White Chocolate Peppermint Pringles !!  Was the owner of Pringles about to lose his business in a divorce settlement and was doing everything he could to devalue the company by making all the cans look like room spray?  Actually, I'd rather eat room spray.

Speaking of which....

2.) Pumpkin Crisps

The Country Tart

I'm feeling a little peckish. You know what I could go for? A bunch of potpurri my mom got at Tuesday Morning served in the top of the Holy Grail that Indiana Jones loses at the end of the The Last Crusade.  There could be 5 Praying Mantises in that bowl and you would never have any way of knowing.

3.) Pumpkin Soda

I drink a lot of soda but I tend to stick to the name brands like Dr. Pepper, Diet Dr. Pepper and Diet Caffeine Free Dr. Pepper.  According to the Maine company that makes this abomination ( I've never had it but I'm 100% certain it tastes like the stuff the dentist makes you rinse with) it doesn't actually contain any pumpkin. Instead, it has "water, organic cane juice and spices like nutmeg, clove and allspice."

This stuff looks so awful that if I was stranded on an island and I had to choose between it and high-quality bottled spring water, I would die of dehydration.

4.) Pumpkin Vodka


I've had really good, expensive vodka before. It doesn't taste like anything. If you want to drink vodka that tastes like pumpkin pie, maybe you should pick up a different hobby. You really don't have what it takes to be a serious alcoholic.

5.) Pumpkin Tacos

Paul Cypher

This sounds horrible but at least it looks like there's a bunch of other stuff in there so maybe you can't taste the pumpkin. At least it looks like somebody finally found a use for all their old Duran Duran LP's.

Oh, yes...and here's the song about using a perfectly good jack-o-lantern to make a taco out of ...