Pope Grants Limited-Time Abortion Forgiveness, Come on Down!
Hurry on down to your nearest place of absolution today because FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY a dude in a robe will grant you forgiveness for decisions you've made about your own body! But don't wait, these conditional absolutions won't last!*
*Abortion forgiveness not guaranteed; sinner must accept all sorrow, guilt and liability for sin; void where prohibited.
On Tuesday, the Vatican announced that Pope Francis will allow Roman Catholic priests to absolve women who have had abortions, but only if the aborters are like, really really REALLY sorry and guilt-ridden about it. Like with all good deals, there's a catch. This period of forgiveness has a limited run, beginning on Dec. 8 and lasting through the Holy Year of Mercy.
The pope, being so incredibly gracious in allowing women to be less scorned over (very likely already-difficult) decisions they've made about their own bodies, granted priests "discretion to absolve of the sin of abortion those who have procured it and who, with contrite heart, seek forgiveness for it" during the special year, beginning December 8.
Personally, as a human born in possession of a vagina and its associated reproductive system, I say: Thank you, your holiness!
Remember, this period of forgiveness lasts for one Year of Mercy only, so don't hesitate! Get your free forgiveness today!*
*Promotion doesn't take effect until Dec. 8