BAD: I accidentally brushed my teeth with hemorrhoid cream this morning.

GOOD: For once, my butthole smells minty fresh.

Getty Images

GOOD: The Rolling Stones have ordered Donald Trump to stop using their music during his campaign rallies.

BAD: I'm really disappointed in the Rolling Stones. I thought they claimed to have Sympathy for the Devil!

Getty Images

GOOD: A movie is coming out about Barack Obama and Michelle's first date.

BAD: I question the casting of Tyler Perry in drag as Michelle.

Getty Images

GOOD: KFC is launching a nail polish in Hong Kong that smells and tastes like KFC

BAD: Unfortunately, they're not going to be selling it in the US, since most Americans fingers already smell like KFC.