Thanksgiving is this Thursday and the unanimous opinion of every public health group and medical authority is this: play it safe. Don’t travel. Limit Thanksgiving to just the people already living in your household. Sure, it’s a bummer but it seems to be the best advice from the most trust-worthy sources.

I will be celebrating alone this year. My folks are getting up there and have decided they’re not going to travel this year for the holiday. I might Facetime with them and have KFC and pretend it’s turkey.

To get in the Thanksgiving spirit, I thought I would rank all the most popular Thanksgiving foods by how sexually suggestive they sound. Here’s my list of the top 20 sexually suggestive foods:

1.) “Dark meat”

2.) Stuffing

3.) Macaroni (but only if it’s “in a pot”)

4.) Juicy breast meat

5.) Giblets

6.) Tossed Salad

7.) Creamed corn

8.) Butternut Squash

9.) Cream Pie

10.) Candied Yams

11.) Hard Cider

12.) Chick Peas

13.) Headcheese

14.) Pie (any other)

15.) Eggplant parmesan

16.) Glazed carrots

17.) Sweet Potatoes

18.) Stuffed Muffins

19.) Jerk Sauce

20.) Meat Loaf

As an added bonus, here are a few things you can say during Thanksgiving that sound very insinuating but which you can not only deny but turn it around and tell people to “get their minds out of the gutter”.

  • “The moister the better for me”.
  • “ It just doesn’t taste as good as grandma’s”.
  • “It’s not ready until the little thingy pops out”.
  • “I prefer to hand-whip my cream”.
  • “If I don’t unbutton my pants I’m going to burst”.
  • “I can’t believe the whole family came!”
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