Why I Have the Lamest Co-Workers in the World

     When I do something, either on air or in person, I like to have fun. I consider radio to be show business (the bottom rung of the show business ladder, but show biz nonetheless). I like to go all out.  Read the rest of this post to find out how my awesomeness is often derailed by my closest colleagues....

        Every year we, the Q Morning Show, are expected to dress up for the Halloween parade.  I enjoy it, but I really only see the point of doing it if it's going to be at least a little entertaining for our listeners who are there.  That's why this year I wanted to do this:

   That's right. Our own homage to one of the most recognizable horror movies that almost no one has ever seen. We would not have been the first to try this theme, but I thought it was 1.) hilarious and 2.) something that most people would be aware of even if they had never even seen an actual clip of the movie. (The movie, by the way, is nowhere near as disturbing or revolting as you might believe. Really, the IDEA of the Human Centipede is the most interesting thing about this movie. Save yourself the time and rental fee).

      So, let me just describe to you the extraordinary lengths I went to in my attempt to make this happen for you, the loyal Morning Show fan.

      When first brought up, Mando said he loved it but there was no way Teresa would do it. Duke said he would NOT agree to have his mouth taped to anyone's ass. Sure enough, Teresa has remained consistent in her refusal to participate. For someone who is such a "stick in the mud" I'm surprised that she's so opposed to have her face "stuck in someone's mud".

   After some coaxing, I get Duke to agree, on the condition that he be the head.  Drawing straws would have certainly been more democratic but this was the only way I could get Duke on board.

     After 2 days of cajoling I get Teresa to agree to participate...as the Evil Surgeon! That's right, she'll be part of the "Human Centipede" as long as she doesn't have to be an actual part of the Human Centipede. Fine

   Mando is on vacation this week but I finally heard from him on Thursday. He has changed his mind and now wants to be no part of the Human Centipede. I guess he was counting on the "Teresa won't do it" out and when that fell through he concluded that he never wanted to be part of it. Fine.

  Teresa then changes her mind about being the Evil Doctor! All she has to do is dress in a lab coat and wave, but since Mando is out she's out too.

  Just as all hope seems to be dashed, we come up with a last minute brainstorm: I, and I alone, will be the Human Centipede. I'll just use blow up sex dolls attached to my for and aft . I'll be the centerpiece in this highly inappropriate, yet hilarious, morning show display.

    All of the sudden, Duke and Teresa want to be the Evil Doctors (even though there is only one evil doctor in the movie).  Yeah, that seems fair. I'll dress in an adult diaper with latex sex toys attached to my orifices and you guys can stand there all dignified and wave to your fans.

    Believe it or not, I was 100% willing to go with this.

    Until they decided that it was inappropriate and we should all just go as whatever old costumes we already had. To recap, I'll do all the embarrasing stuff, I'll be mostly naked (again) and I'll be the Alpha and Omega of making our Halloween float memorable. You guys just stand there and smile. What's that? YOU'RE not comfortable doing that?

  So now I play my final card. The last, desparate attempt to have fun. I will be on the float by myself. Naked. With blow up sex dolls. You guys have to do absolutely ZERO to make this great, edgy idea a reality.

      Sadly, you will not be seeing me in this spectacle at the parade. They decided that if it was only me on the float...it would make them look bad.

      They also let me know how difficult I am to work with. Happy Halloween!