For a change of pace, here is a message from President Barack Obama ...

My fellow Americans,

As your commander-in-chief, it is my duty to update you on the progress of this terrible conflict we find ourselves in. I speak, of course, of the War on Christmas.

I am happy to inform you that our recent offensive, Operation Starbucks Cup, was an unparalleled success. As president, I have succeeded in making sure that NO American getting a caramel macchiato latte will be in danger of seeing religious or quasi-religious images on their coffee cups.

It is with a great sense of pride that I inform you that the First Lady and I have succeeded in secularizing "A Charlie Brown Christmas." In case you missed it, here's video of "Operation Noel? More Like 'el No!"

Using the subterfuge taught by our Holy Quran, Michelle and I seemed to be praising Charlie Brown, while omitting any reference to the Christian religion. As your president, I know how to handle religious extremists. First, Osama bin Laden and now, Linus. That little zealot better stop reading The Bible on TV every year or team of Navy Seals may come down his chimney NEXT year!

Oh, and I hope you enjoyed you Reese's Christmas "Tree" candies. The ones that looked like lumpy turds? Yeah. That was us.

Soon, at the White House, we'll be putting up our tree. Our seasonal Fraser Fir, that is. Our official White House "Winter Festival" card will be sold in the gift shop as will this year's Commemorative White House Ornament featuring Elsa and Olaf from Frozen and the Three Wise Minions.

But I want to assure you, the American people, that I will be working tirelessly to put Chris ... Christm ... The Eurocentric Holiday that replaced Saturnalia ... on the dustbin of our nation's history, alongside figgy pudding and sugar plums. Good night and may the peace of the prophet be upon you.

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