Google "Star Wars Fan Theories" and you will find an endless supply of reddits, sub-reddits and Buzzfeed rip-offs of reddits.  I'm not saying no one in the entire Star Wars fandom has ever thought anything similar to what I'm about to tell you. But, to my knowledge, these are all original ideas and not Buzzfed from other people.

Of course, with most of these "fan theories" the REAL answer is that George Lucas made the original Star Wars not knowing if it would be successful or not. Then, when he realized he'd created a cultural phenomenon he suddenly had to worry about "continuity" and "making sense" and minor annoyances like that.  Then, when he decided to make the sequels, that's when things got really complicated. So, the real truth of Star Wars is that George hadn't really thought about the backstory and any incongruences are

  • 1

    Why Do the Storm Troopers Go From Rad to Sad?

    In Attack of the Clones we learn that the Imperial Storm Troopers are clones of the great bounty hunter Jango Fett and that they are trained from birth (clonehood?) to be deadly efficient fighting machines. They are the perfect fighting force: fearless, committed and highly, highly trained soldiers

    BUT THEN ...

    In the original trilogy, which takes place 20 years later, we find that the Storm Troopers are terrible soldiers. They can't hit the broad side of a bantha with their firearms, they routinely get bested by small rag-tag resistance fighters (who are sometimes Teddy Bears)  and they can't go through a door with bumping their fat, stupid heads.

    THE THEORY ...

    This is because these are 4th or 5th generation clones.  The original clones were so badass because they had that original Jango DNA. But, as the clone supervisor on Kamino explained, the clones life cycles are accelerated to they can be of soldiering age sooner. Maybe we can assume from that they continue to age at a more rapid pace once they reach adulthood. Maybe, the Storm Troopers are designed to put in 5 or 10 years of service then they die of old age because it's cheaper to bury a clone than to retire him and have to pay for a whole Galactic Veterans Administration...the overhead just gets to be too much. Couple that with the fact that their line of work is very dangerous and maybe they could have gone through several generations of clones by the time A New Hope begins.  Knowing the cold, impersonal nature of the Empire wouldn't it be just like then to not even notice that their awesome Super Soldiers have been replaced by a bunch of incompetent Beetle Baileys?


  • 2

    Why is Old Ben Kenobi Such a Liar? 

    In A New Hope when Luke first meets Ben Kenobi, Ben saves him from Sand People...and then spins him a web of lies that would make Pinocchio's nose grow to 12 parsecs! Let's count the lies:

    "I don't seem to remember owning any droids"

    Horseshit! Even if he didn't technically own R2D2, it's still deceptive to pretend not to even recognize either of the droids.

    "Here's your father's lightsabre he wanted you to have when you were old enough."

    Really, Ben? When did Anakin say that? Before or after you sliced off three of his limbs and left him to die burning in agony on a volcano planet? Hell, Luke and Leia hadn't even been born yet the last time you saw Anakin. Did Anakin tell you previously, "Hey, buddy, if I ever get my secret-wife pregnant and then I suddenly turn evil before their born, would you please take my lightsabre from my charred body and see that the little tyke gets it someday?"

    "A young Jedi named Darth Vader betrayed and murdered your father."

    Well, now your just playing mind games with the kid, you crazy old coot.

    The Theory ...

    Uncle Owen was right when he called Ben a "crazy old wizard". Well, crazy might be a harsh word for dementia. Maybe the trauma of having all your friends killed and living in isolation on the most New Mexico-like planet in the galaxy helped push him over the edge. So, maybe Kenobi really doesn't remember R2 and Threepio.  Maybe his memory really is muddled about how he and Anakin last parted ways. Maybe Ben is completely senile which is why he recruited a kid who just wanted to get power cables at Tosche Station into a suicide mention.

  • 3

    Why do OB-1 and Vader Suddenly Suck at Lightsabre Fighting?

    (Again, the obvious real reason is because the first movie was made in 1977 and Ray Park was only 15 so he couldn't choreograph the fight scenes.)

    When OB-Wan, the Jedi master, and Darth Vader, the most Force-gifted Jedi in history finally face each other in A New Hope, they draw their lightsabres ... swat ineffectually at each other like a couple of old ladies beating the dust out of a rug.

    Seriously, they're standing right in front of each other about 18 inches from each other! Where's the jumping? The twirling? And don't try telling me they're just old and frail. According to my math, they're only 20 years older than they were when they fought on Mustafar in Revenge of the Sith. So they're what...fifty? Sixty? Yoda was over 800 and had to walk with a stick but he was still able to jump around like a crackhead frog when it came time to fight.

    The Theory ...

    Maybe they're moving so little, relatively speaking, not because they're not as good at using the Force. Maybe their conservation of motion is because they're both so GOOD at using the Force. They are both so adept at using the Force AND they know each others style so well that most of the was mental in nature. Like Robert Downey Jr.'s Sherlock Holmes, moves were calculated, parries and thrusts were analyzed, analyzed again and then discarded...all with a minimum of physical activity. After all, the best boxers in the world aren't jumping all over the ring. Their attacks are very strategic and very efficient. Sure, Yoda had to fight the way he did because of his diminutive size (which you should judge him not by). These two master Jedi were putting on a clinic in economy of motion and strategy.

    Either that or Alec Guinness told George he was only doing this ridiculous crap one time and then he was taking his nap.