Observations About El Paso News Stories

Check out what El Pasoans are talking about this week!

1.)     ISIS in Juarez

As reported in The National Review, the group Judicial Watch says unnamed “high-level sources in federal law enforcement and intelligence” confirm that the militant Islamic terror organization ISIS in operating in Juarez and planning an attack on the border. The attack is said to be “imminent” .
I don’t know if there’s any validity to this but I have a plan that would be not only effective in stopping an attack but economical too.
For the time being, everyone crossing the border into the US is required to take a bite of a canitas taco. In case you don’t know, gringos, carnitas are pork. Eat pork is verboten in the Muslim faith. I’m not saying every terrorist would out themselves by refusing to eat the carnitas. But, there’d be at least a moments hesitation that would belie their true identities. Mexicans will take a bite without hesitation, of course. Also, they sell carnitas for pennies in Juarez so I’ve just solved this problem with minimal expense to the tax-payer. You’re welcome.

2.)     Kids Injured on Carnival Ride in El Paso

2 tweens were thrown from the “Sidewinder” ride in this incident. They kids will be OK but the rides had to remain shut down on the final day of the St. Anthony’s Bizarre fundraiser.

The only thing that surprises me about mishaps on carnival rides is that they don’t happen all the time. These traveling carnivals go from town to town and set up in a mall parking lot or the county fairgrounds for a week or two. They have to unload the rides from giant trucks and assemble them from scratch. The people doing this difficult and demanding jobs are these people….

That’s right. Carnies. Circus folk. Nomads. Small hands. Smell of cabbage.

These are the people who live on a diet of funnel cake and methamphetamines. They typically have fewer teeth than they do years of high school completed. The circus never really did away with the side-show freaks. They just gave them dirty wife-beater T-Shirts and gave them a stool to sit on next to the Himalayan. I once saw the Bearded Lady, the world’s fattest woman AND the Alligator boy. And it was just one person! Every single one of them looks like the final picture in one of those “Faces of Meth” photo collages.

These are the men and women who we entrust to build, disassemble, and rebuild the rides our precious darling children ride on. I’m really surprised there’s not a major carnie-related death multiple times per week. Either that or carnies are really good at hiding bodies before pulling up stakes and moving on.

3.)     Manhattan Heights Rapist Convicted

And sentenced to four consecutive life sentences for the rapes and burglaries that had El Pasoans in fear during the summer of 2013. This animal deserves to spend the rest of his life behind bars for his heinous deeds. For all his vile crimes, why does it bother me so much that he had to wear headphones to hear the court translator. What do I care of this scumbag doesn’t speak English? It does, though. I guess it bothers me that even though this creep had been deported already and was back in the country illegally when he committed his crime. And yet, if you ever dare to say, “Y’know, I think we should be a little more selective about who we let into this country” you find yourself being made to feel that you’re the real criminal. I’m sure no Honduran child (17 year old gang member) is going to ever turn to a live of crime after he’s fed, clothed and given a place to live all on my dime.

4.)     Police Respond to Mountain Lion Sighting in Central EP

So what!? I was nearly mauled by three cougars at Teddy’s Flame Room on Saturday.

5.)     Miners Win First Game of the Season

And just like that, we’re tied with Florida State for best record in college football. Picks Up!