Guest Column: The Guy Who Runs the Calendar Kiosk at the Mall

" Hi, Happy Holidays! Welcome to the Kalendar Kiosk … we have all kinds of 2012 Calendars! If you’re into art we’ve got an amazing Van Gogh calendar this year ... or maybe,  if you prefer impressionism, we’ve got this great new calendar of Renoirs early perio … what’s that?  Twilight?  Oh, sure, we have a whole selection of Twilight calendars! They’ve got their own rack right over there … in front of the uh … Georgia O'Keefe calendars ….

Hi, Welcome to Kalendar Kiosk!  In case you're looking for something special, I'd like to recommend the National Geographic calendar. This year's theme is "U.S. National Parks." It features some  breath-taking photography! May is a shot of Yellowstone that is absolu … I’m sorry?  Twilight?  Yeah, we do have "Breaking Dawn."  Several, in fact. They're right over there next to the Thomas Kincaids.  He's the Artist of Light, you kn ... Oh, OK. Let me know if you need any help.

Hello! Welcome to Kalendar Kiosk. I can tell by looking that you’re a very intelligent young lady!  You might be interested in the new NASA Calendar. It has some of the  most spectacular shots of galaxies and super-novas and … hmmm? Yeah, there is one where every month is a different picture of Jacob with his shirt off. Yep … right over there … where everybody else is.

Hi, Welcome to Kalendar Kiosk … I suppose you’re looking for a Twilight Calendar … you’re not??  Really?!? Well, then, maybe I can interest you in this great Calendar of Gaugin’s Polynesia period that … I beg pardon? Oh, "True Blood?"  Yeah, we have plenty of those … they’re right over there behind the … the Twilight Calendars. Yes, you're welcome. (exhales wearily)

Hi, Welcome to … yeah, the Twilight Calendars are right over there but there seems to be quit a crowd. You know, if you’re really into fantasy stuff we do have this  Special Edition Brothers Hildebrant calendar!  If you're not familiar, the Brothers Hildebrant  were very popular in their time and this calendar has their greatest illustrations of the J.R.R. Tolkien s "The Hobb…oh.  You’ll just wait for the Twilight line to go down?  That’s fine…

By the way, starting Jan. 1^st all the calendars that AREN’T "Twilight" will be 80% of.  Just…y’know…FYI."