Well 2011 is winding down, and as you reflect on the passing year, you realize that it wasn’t as great as you thought it would be.Sure, you managed to successfully grow that handle bar mustache you always wanted, but your girlfriend broke up with you as a result.  Plus, the economy still sucks so you have that job you hate–and Steve Jobs died.  Boo! Boo 2011! You’re stupid and no one likes you.

You need 2012 to be the year that everything changes.  You’re going to take that year by the kahunas and make it your special lady. We’re here to help. We’ve been strenuously researching different New Year’s superstitions that will guarantee 2012 will be a fantastic year.  Listen carefully, take notes, and blindly do everything we say.

Make Out at Midnight

Whether you’re single or taken, the midnight kiss solidifies how much action you’re going to get in 2012.  So, if you decide to stay home alone with your cats– that is your fate for the rest of the year.  You don’t want that.  If you have a significant other, we hate you, but you’re covered.  If you’re single, we suggest going to an establishment where the sober-to-wasted ratio is completely off kilter.  The drunker the babe the more likely she’ll let you kiss her.  Just be prepared to listen to how alone she was in 2011 and continue to make out through her tears.

Stock Up

If you don’t have anything in your fridge but a bottle of ketchup and a case of Coors Light (why do you drink that anyway?) you’re in trouble.  Food needs to be in your house on January 1st, or you’ll be scrounging for food for the rest of the year.  According to superstition, you should have plenty of cash in your wallet to ensure that it will always be full in 2012.  So, on New Year’s Eve, take it easy buying that lonely girl another Red Bull and vodka.  That girl is desperate, and you have a wallet to keep plump. Putting Monopoly money in your wallet doesn’t count.

Pay Your Bills

We know your electric bill is sitting on the kitchen counter, and you’ll “get to it later,” but you need to pay it today.  Write all of your checks before January 1st to ensure you won’t be swimming in debt in 2012. Likewise, personal debts should be settled before the New Year.  Remember that time your friend Dan bet you that you wouldn’t eat that entire jar of pickled eggs?  Yeah, you have to dress up in your mom’s nightgown tonight.  Sorry.  It’s the rules.  Checks must be written and mailed out before the New Year and your mother’s nightgown needs to be washed before you put it on.

Don’t Clean Up after the New Year’s Eve Party

Nothing should leave your house on New Year’s Day.  Not even the trash.  If you take anything out of your home on January 1st you will be subtracting things from your life all year.  Something must be added to your home before anything can be taken out.

If you live alone, place a basket outside your door with a string tied to it.  Don’t forget to put a lucky item in the basket.  After midnight, retrieve your basket by pulling on the string allowing the basket to cross your threshold.  Don’t cross the threshold yourself or you’ll burst into flames.  Just kidding. Or are we? Try it.

Eat Lucky Food

In the south, it is said that eating black-eyed peas brings good luck in the New Year. It’s said that eating black-eyed peas brings good luck and financial fortune into your life.For extra luck, you should actually eat THE Black Eyed Peas.   Ingest the brains of Will. I. Am and you too can compose masterpieces like, “The Time (Dirty Bit)” and “Just Can’t Get Enough.” Mmmmm..Fergie’s Rump Roast  sounds delightful.

According to superstition, don’t eat anything bird related.  If you eat turkey or chicken on New Year’s Day you’re cursing yourself to scrounge for food the rest of the year. Avoid Chick-Fil-A. Eat more beef.

Be Somewhat Productive

If you can stare at your computer screen through your crippling hangover, do some work related activities on New Year’s Day– it’ll benefit you in 2012.  Do something small that will befit you in the workplace, but don’t spend a lot of time on it. If you do you might be overwhelmed in the coming year.  So open Outlook and answer two e-mails.  Maybe respond to that nice man that has money for you in an overseas account. He seems like a trustworthy chap.

Helpful tip: Don’t do your laundry on January 1st. If you do, someone in your family might be “washed away” in the coming year.  However, if you’re waiting on that inheritance your Great Aunt Linda promised you and the old bag just won’t die, then NOW would be the time to wash mom’s nightgown.

This is just the tip of the superstitious iceberg. A few others may suggest: wearing that new sweater your mother gave you for Christmas so you receive more new clothing in the new year, don’t break anything in your house or 2012 might break you, open all your doors at midnight and tell 2011 to get the hell out, or make a whole lot of noise to scare away the evil spirits (sadly, your evil roommate will remain).


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