I'm not talking about the cops that hang out by the front door to keep the lunatics away, I mean cops that patrol the store and cite people for being jerks.

Just as cops patrol the streets, I think we need them cruising the grocery stores. There are so many rude things people do these days.

Maybe if there were penalties, shoppers would shape up.

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The list of grocery store etiquette gripes I have is pretty long but here are a few changes I'd like to see made along with some possible penalties.

  • The same laws that apply to drivers on the street should be applied within the store. Shoppers and carts should go the same way, all move at the same speed, come to a full stop at intersections/end of aisles, follow the usual passing laws, etc. Violators should receive a ticket with the appropriate fine applied at checkout.
  • If the cart you left adrift in the parking lot bangs into a car, you pay for the repairs.
  • Actually, failure to put your cart in the corral should carry a penalty whether it rolls into something or not. Voiding the violators purchase and making them go back inside and shop again sounds fair.
  • Aisle chatting should result in immediate expulsion. You want to chit chat with another shopper and/or cashier, take it outside. Let's keep the aisles clear and the checkout lines moving, ok? Penalty = Self checkout at a faulty register.
  • Leaving the checkout line to get something you forgot. Major foul. Violators should be sent home and forced to return the next day to start over.
  • Too many items in the express lane? See above.
  • Cell phone use. Not in the checkout lane, handle your business and move on. Penalty = having your eggs cracked or having a few past due expiration dates.
  • Going to cosmetics, the pharmacy, customer service, etc with a zillion items in your cart. Penalty = Banishment.
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It's not just the customers either...

  • Store employees shopping for online orders should get an electric shock whenever they get in the way of, or cut off, an active shopper.
  • If you ask an employee where something is and they don't know, that should get you a 33.3% discount at checkout. 3 "non" answers = 100% off.
  • If you need a manager and one can't be found or won't answer in a reasonable time, they should be demoted to cart wheel repairman. Plus 20% off at checkout for you.
  •  Items that don't ring up correctly at the self-checkout should be free.

Those are just a few ideas for my "Grocery Store Penal Code". There are a ton of other things that could be added.

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