Buzz Reviews This Week’s New Movies (Without Having Seen Them)

What I Know I Know: It stars Leonardo DiCaprio and Tom Hardy. It's based on a true story and it's rated R.

What I Think I Know: Ok, so Leonardo DiCaprio's character has a half Indian son that Tom Hardy kills. At least that's what it looks like in the trailer. Then Leonardo is attacked by a bear that may or may not have also sexually assaulted him. Tom buries Leo but somehow Leo is still alive and manages to dig out of his shallow grave. Then, Leo has to survive a bunch of harsh conditions to seek his just revenge. I'm hoping Leo and the bear end up becoming friends and teaming up to kill Tom Hardy.

My Review: This movie looks great! I've been a big DiCaprio fan ever since What's Eating Gilbert Grape and I think he's waaaay overdue for an Oscar. If it takes getting raped by a bear for it to happen then so be it.

I Give This Movie: 4 out of 5 Question marks: ?????

What I Know I Know: It's rated PG-13 and stars Natalie Dormer who is really, really sexy. You know how they say we find people attractive based on how symmetrical their face is? Well, Natalie Dormer has a very asymmetrical face but somehow on her it just adds to her amazing sex appeal. Some people say she resembles Kermit the Frog's new pig girlfriend but if that's the case I just got a craving for pork loin.

What I Think I Know: There's an actual forest in Japan that is known as a place where people go to commit suicide. I was watching a documentary about it on Youtube once and it is super-gloomy and creepy looking.

The synopsis I read said this movie is based on that actual forest. Since it's in Japan I'm going to guess that the forest is haunted by a ghosts that look like the ones  from The Ring, The Grudge and Shutter.  Basically, the creepiest JPop girl group of all time. Natalie Dormer has to go there and look for her sister who disappeared there or maybe the sister was known to committed suicide there but Natalie just wants answers, dammit! The ghosts then try and get Natalie to kill herself or something.

My Review: I like Natalie Dormer and I really hope she gets naked a lot more next season on Game of Thrones.  But you know those movies that I mentioned that are American remakes of Japanese horror movies? I HATE all of those movies!! Even if you really like that style you have to admit they all look like the same fucking movie. It might even be the same Japanese girl in all of them for all I know. And, why do they all move like they're poppin' and lockin'?? I'll bet that's exactly what this movie is going to be like. Therefore ...

I Give This Movie:  One out of five question marks: ?????

What I know I Know: It's rated PG-13 and this is the first I'm hearing of it. However, I just went to Wikipedia and found out that it's based on a novel by the real "Masked Saint," a former pro wrestler who left wrestling to become a pastor.

What I Think I Know:  So, this wrestler, The Masked Saint, hangs up his tights and becomes a pastor in a small town. Everything is peaceful until the townsfolk are threatened by an outlaw motorcycle gang. Or maybe it's thugs working for a rich real estate developer...who knows?!? The pastor has to once more don his wrestling attire to stand up to the rich motorcycle thugs as a masked vigilante.

My Review: I have room for only one movie about a pure-hearted man of God who is also secretly a masked wrestler in my life. And Nacho Libre is it.

I Give This Movie: ?????