As you may have heard, there will be no beer sold at the Chavez, Jr. vs. Andy Lee fight at the Sun Bowl. What you may not have heard is that we, the KLAQ Morning Show, as well as a number of city officials (who have asked that their names be withheld) are urging all El Pasoans going to the fight to smuggle in as much hard liquor as they possibly can. 

Normally we would not condone, much less encourage such behavior. However, due to the fact that this decision by the UT Chancellor is such an insult to our city, we feel that it is something that must be done as a political statement. Even if you don't drink, you should sneak in some hootch just as a matter of principle.

So, to help in our noble struggle I have found some of the most creative products for booze-smuggling. Also, I have rated each of the products on a scale of 1 to 10.

1.) Barnoculars




These are Barnoculars. They are very convincing as far as looking like legitimate binoculars goes. Also, they look like they would hold a decent amount of liquor, so they get points for that.

The downside: They would look suspicious anywhere other than a sporting event. That would work fine for the fight at the Sun Bowl but you might get busted trying to use them at a smaller venue.  Also, as you can probably tell by how old the above advertisement looks, they've been around awhile. Barnoculars, as good an idea as they were at one time, might be something "the man" is on the look out for so they lose points for that.

RATING:  6 out of 10

2.) The Beer Belly and the Wine Rack


These products are based on the same basic idea: A plastic bladder is worn under the clothing in a part of the body where it will be mistaken for excess adipose tissue.

This is a simple concept but it is brilliant nonetheless. I've never been to any event where they make you remove clothing to check for contraband alcohol. It comes with a handy nozzle to make sipping discrete and efficient.  They both look like they hold ample amounts of beverage.

The only drawback would be that, for the men, it might be detected in the routine pat-down.  Even then, I doubt they would ask you to remove your shirt. As for the ladies, the Wine Rack is probably 100% fool-proof anyplace that doesn't have an X-ray scanner.

RATING: 9 out of 10

3.) The Cell Phone Flask


While it's only made of plastic and the buttons are just raised indentions , the Cell Phone Flask would probably breeze by all but the most diligent of Event Security Personnel.  Other than the airport, when has anybody ever even asked to look at your cell phone?

The one big drawback, though....

This doesn't look like it holds much sauce at all. This is actually one of the few products that would have worked much better 20 years ago when cell phones actually were the size of a bottle of Jack Daniels or Smirnoff.  So, unless you are planning to bring in some 180 proof, backwoods hillbilly corn squeezins, don't count on having enough to do you any good.

RATING: 3 out of 10

4.) Can-o-flauge



Behold, the Can-o-flauge. First, the positives.  I actually have some of these and can vouch that when you put them over a can of brew nobody suspects anything. Also, they are very affordable. I think I got a 3 pack for 4 dollars.

However, the drawbacks are significant.

Firstly, most concert and sports venues don't allow you to bring your own soft drink in any more than they allow you to bring your own booze.  Actually, come to think of it, I don't really know of any situation where I would use these things.  Why would I spend $4 on something so useless?!?  Well, maybe if my tee-totaling mother comes for an extended visit I can OMGijustrealizedthatimstillmentally17yearsoldwhenmymomcomestovistit!

Another big drawback:  Seriously? ONE beer?

RATING: 2 out of 10

5.) The Stadium Seat Flask


OK, OK...this would certainly fit the bill for the big fight at the Sun Bowl, which is our main concern after all.  It looks in nowise suspicious.  Holds a goodly amount of spirits AND you can find web-sites that sell them with your teams logo. This is a surpassingly  good way to smuggle liquor....into a sports stadium.

The drawback, though, is that it would draw a lot of attention to itself if you were trying to take it anywhere other than an outdoor stadium. I've certainly never seen anyone bring their own seat cushion to a concert at the Don Haskins Center or the Pan-Am.  This would be fine for a Miner football game, but for the Cannibal Corpse show at Club 101...not so much.

RATING: 8 out of 10

6.) The Flip Flop Flask


This one we all loved when we first saw it.  And, it would work perfectly for the fight tomorrow so it gets very high marks for that.

The drawbacks:  To get a drink out of it, you have to take your shoe off and either hold it to your lips or pour it into a cup.  Just make sure one of Chancellor Cigarroa's prohibition enforcers aren't watching when you do it. Also, somebody could narc you out, I suppose, but that doesn't really seem likely.

How much booze can there be in there? It's a shoe.  I could smuggle more alcohol in my belly-button (innie).

As cool as it looks, you could actually get much more illicit elixir in by wearing boots and putting a flask down next to your calf.

RATING: 6 out of 10

FINALLY, if none of these appeal to you...


7.) The Fernie Method



More From KLAQ El Paso