8-Year-Old Goes on Profane Tirade Against Paper that Cancelled Comic Strips

Either newspaper comic strips have gotten super-lame or they’ve always been lame and my little kid brain didn’t know any better. I used to read the funny pages every day and chuckle at Marmaduke’s latest antics, giggle at Cathy’s lonely and barren existence and bust a gut at Doonsbury’s post-Vietnam ennui.

Today when I look at the comics… nothing. I haven't laughed out loud at a comic strip since the Far Side guy retired. I can’t even remember the last time one brought even a wisp of a smile to my face. They’re just not funny. I’ll demonstrate this momentarily by describing the comics in today’s El Paso Times and seeing if anything in the slightest bit humorous can be found.

First, though, I’d like you to listen to this message in which an 8-year-old goes off on a local newspaper for cancelling some of his favorite strips:

Frank and Ernest? An 8-year-old is legitimately upset that he won’t be getting his Frank and Ernest fix anymore? I’m worried this kid is going to start cutting himself if they give Broomhilda the axe next.

Here’s how unfunny comic strips are:

Hagar
First panel: Hagar growls and looks upset. Other character says, “You can’t win every battle, Hagar!”
Second Panel: Expands to show they are talking about an empty pizza box as other Vikings stand around eating pizza. In case we missed the gag, Hagar says, “But I really wanted…that LAST slice of PIZZA!”

Wow. How much do you think Dik Browne (and yes, I knew off the top of my head who writes Hagar) gets, per day, for writing Hagar? It’s in hundreds of daily papers around the country so it’s probably a lot. Well, in my estimation, that gag was worth less than a penny. If someone said “Give me a penny and I’ll tell you a joke” and the joke was that lame, I’d demand my goddamned penny back.

B.C.

First panel: One of the cavemen is reading the dictionary. The words “Political Ethics” appears in print over the book.
Second panel: The caveman looks up with a look of world-weariness on his face.

Seriously, that’s it. That’s the whole comic strip. I can’t tell if there was even supposed to be a joke in there or not. I’m not leaving out some important visual gag or anything. That’s all there is! There could be an entire third panel missing, for all anybody knows. There could be a MIDDLE panel missing, that’s how much sense this strip doesn’t make. Maybe the artist died mid-panel before writing the hilarious caption that makes this waste of ink meaningful in some way. B.C…more like B.M.

Garfield

First panel: Garfield is reading a newspaper.
Second panel: Garfield, in a thought bubble, says, “Whoa…”
Third panel: Still in a thought bubble, “There’s an awful lot not going on.”

My thoughts exactly every time I open the (un)funny pages.