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3 Ways They Could Make a Better Superman

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I finally got around to seeing Man of Steel. I’d been putting it off because I’ve never found Superman to be all that interesting as a character. It’s the same reason I don’t think God would make a great movie superhero.

“Look out! The bridge is collapsing!”

“Don’t worry. God/Superman will prevent it from happening… if he feels like it.”

“Lois Lane just got killed!”

“Not a problem. God/Superman can bring her back to life / fly around the Earth really fast and reverse time.”

“Isn’t there anything that can kill God/Superman?”

“Only Kryptonite/Science.”

Here are three ways I think they could (but probably won’t) someday make a good Superman movie…

1.) Power Him Down a Little

There was one scene where I thought this was the direction they were going.  Clark “Not Yet Superman” Kent is working on a Deadliest Catch type of boat when he goes to rescue workers on an oil rig that’s on fire.

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He’s able to keep the rig from collapsing, but only with great difficulty. This is so much more compelling than throwing an entire island into space (like in that Superman Returns debacle) or moving the moon with one finger or some other silly nonsense. I’m not saying just make him Captain America-strong. Just put some boundaries on what he can do.

2.) Get Rid of Powers that Break the Basic Laws of Physics

Did you know Superman couldn’t originally fly? It’s true. In the early comic books, Superman could not “fly” per se. That’s where the line “able to leap tall buildings in a single bound” came from.

Superman is stronger because of the effects of our young sun and the gravity and everything else Russell Crowe said.  But super-strength and gravity in no way would give someone the ability to change direction at will in mid-air. Or to propel oneself in the void of space.

Also, this would have to go…

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Yeah, at what point does “really, really good eyesight” cross the line into “shooting metal-melting laser beams out of your irises”??

And before you start complaining that flying and laser vision have been a part of Superman’s abilities for over 60 years, let me remind you that so have super-ventriloquism and telekinesis too, but I don’t see them working those valuable skills into any modern summer blockbusters.

  3.) Explore Superman’s Temptation to Rule as God

Right? At some point, don’t you think Superman would be tempted to say “I’m tired of not saving ALL the crime victims because I can’t be everywhere at once. So, I’m going to start a policy of  “if you kill or harm someone, I’m going to use my superpowers to find you and super-punch your dick through the back of your coccyx.”

You think that might be a deterrent? Not only would I like to see that but it might set up a really unique twist on the Superman mythology: Superman as a nearly all-powerful tyrant and Lex Luthor as the lead of the human resistance. Then we might get to see something like this…

 

superdickery.com

“Here, King Superman! Here are our finest diamond-colored Jello deserts!”


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