Things Men Should Never Wear (With Exceptions)

Some guys can make fashion choices that other men just wouldn’t be able to pull off. Prince with his blouses and velour pirate coats for instance. Check out the things men should never wear.

Unless you too are a tiny, androgynous wood nymph, you can wear what prince wears. Some black guys actually manage to make “bling” work for them.

There are some fashion choices that never, never, ever work for any man anywhere.  Of course, there are sometimes rare exceptions.

1.)     Crocs

These are awful and, I’m ashamed to admit as I found out, they’re not even comfortable. If you want to wear house slippers in public just do that. There’s no need to shod yourself in vulcanized rubber just because you don’t feel like spending the 10 seconds it would take to tie your shoe laces.

Exceptions: There are NO exceptions.

2.)     Pleated slacks.

Flat Front has been the style for over a decade now but there are still men who insist on their lap looking like two bags of Jiffy Pop popcorn when they sit down.

Exceptions: I guess some suits come with pleated slacks. I would look for a different suit, though.

3.)     Flat-brimmed ball caps

No, no, no, no. Just…no. When you get a ball cap, you squeeze the brim together like a taco. Then, you tuck that back into the hole in the back of the cap. Then, you let it set like that for 10 days to 2 weeks. Then, you’ve finally got a ball cap you can wear in public without looking like Justin Bieber or one of those Growing up Gotti douchers.

Exceptions: Let me think. Maybe if you just bought the hat and they didn’t give you a bag to carry it you can wear it out….you know what? No. Just wad that shit up and put it in your back pocket and leave it there until you get home.

4.)     Any open toed shoe

This goes for sandals, flip-flops and any other unenclosed footwear. If you’re a guy, you’re feet are supposed to be an affront to polite society. You’re supposed to have calluses, nasty,yellow nails and various unsightly carbuncular growths. If your feet look like a man’s, please keep them covered up for the rest of humanity. If your a man who’s feet are perfectly groomed because of your bi-weekly pedicure…please keep them covered up for yourself, to protect your horrible, horrible secret.

Exceptions: If you’re an extra in a gladiator movie.

5.)     Jean Shorts

Or, “jorts” as they are also known. These haven’t been acceptable since Clinton was in office. Jeans are fine. Shorts are fine. But this unholy
Pantsenstein’s Monster is an unforgivable fashion upchuck.

Exceptions: If you’re a Build-a-Bear

6.)     A Dude Scarf

I’m not talking about something you’d wear while watching a Packer’s game in minus 20 degree weather. I’m talking about the foofy, purely ornamental knit jobs that some guys tie in 3 knots and wear when it’s 80 degrees outside. There’s a correlation, too. The warmer it is, the more goofy your man-scarf looks. Obviously.

Exceptions: If your neck is actually cold and you don’t mind looking like the 4th Doctor Who. Also, if you’re the Red Baron.

7.) Toe Shoes. The Ones with Individual Toe Slots.

This little piggie wore toe shoes. This little piggie never got laid. This little piggie couldn’t understand why everybody laughed as soon as he walked away.

Exceptions: None.

8.) White Jeans

White jeans are fine on women. If you’re a man, why don’t you just go ahead and wear white capri pants? It won’t look any less masculine.

You might want to be careful, though. Those white jeans will spot if you start your period, Nancy.