Security Guard Sues KISS for Slip and Fall Scam…er, Accident

Security Guard Timothy Funk says that at a 2012 KISS concert he was working in Indiana he slipped and hurt himself onstage which, he claims, had been “sprayed with water hoses by some or all of the defendants.”  Also, there was some confetti lying around.

That’s right. He’s suing KISS for a slip and fall just like you would your neighborhood Sav-On store. Gene Simmons is so willing to sell anything he can slap a price sticker on I guess, in a manner of speaking, KISS kind of is the Sav-On of rock bands.

C’mon, though Dude. If you work as a security guard at a rock concert you know there are risks going in. You got you various punches, projectiles and contact highs that just come with the territory. There was a reason you chose to work this night instead of next week when Dave Koz was coming.

Even more ridiculous are the substances that he says led to his misfortune: confetti and water. What’s that, disembodied voice in my head? Can I name 10 worse substances that could’ve been onstage after a KISS concert.

You bet I can!

1.) Blood (fake)
2.) Blood (real)
3.) Blood (cow)
------------------------------------------BREEEEEAAAAK-------------------------------------------------

4.) Saliva (probably Paul’s because he kind of lisps when he sings)
5.) Sweat
6.) Sweat mixed with runny makeup (which is the slipperiest substance known to man. True Fact: for many years in the seventies and early eighties many venues would book The Icecapades for the week following a KISS concert. They wouldn’t even have to ice the rink and the performers would just skate around on melted cat/demon/starchild/whatever-Ace-was goo in their stockings.
7.) Ben-Gay (used to be Astro-glide until about 1998)
8.) Feces (various species)
9.) Giant Silver Monster Boot Polisher
10.) Tears (probably the drummer’s or the guitarist’s because they know they be replaced anytime Gene and Paul feel like it)