El Paso: Bologna Seizure Capitol of the World

The Border Patrol takes A LOT of bolognas away from people.

U.S. Customs & Border Protection

We all know this. I’ve already written about it in an article with all the crude, 8th-grade-level humor you’ve come to expect. But, if the one official is to be believed, El Paso is kind of FAMOUS for its bologna-snatching ways.

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In a front-page story, the El Paso Times quotes the CBP Chief Agriculture Specialist Chad Gerber: “We’re kind of famous for bologna seizures…(its) one of our top-seizing items”.

Customs and Border Protection

In January, CBP officers caught a couple bringing in 55 pounds of undeclared Mexican bologna. Those suspects, from Albuquerque and Colorado, told the officers they can take the contraband bologna and sell it at a huge markup up north. That…must be some really delicious baloney, I guess.

Mr. Gerber says it’s such a big part of what they do that they just HAD to show President Joe Biden when he visited El Paso last month. The story in the Times details a demonstration for the president in which K-9 assets sniffed out the lunch meat.

Then (and I need to specify here that I’m not making ANY of this up) the human CPB officers “took a knee and presented a thick, red 6-pound roll of Mexican bologna” to the President of the United States of America.

A photo of this demonstration exists and I’m praying that we’re allowed to use that image here…

[WE COULD NOT...] - N.A.

Just in case we couldn’t use the photo, let me describe it. Biden is looking on as two Border Patrol officers kneel and look like they’re about to propose marriage to 46 but, instead of a diamond ring, they’re proposing with a hunk of bologna the size of a child’s thigh.

I can only imagine what Biden said at this point: “So that must be the baloney I’m always saying people are full of. Say, do you guys ever bust them with any ‘malarkey’?”