The holidays cause men to do dumb things — overspend on gifts, drink too much and make terrible decisions in regards to relationships.

Guys always think it’s a good idea to introduce the girl they are dating to his family on a holiday. Your heart is in the right place, but unfortunately, your head is shoved way up Santa’s chimney. It’s probably a worse idea than naming stars after people and calling them gifts. Holiday intros are relationship suicide. Here is why…

There is Nothing Worse Than a Family Gang-Up

Your family will find time, maybe between egg nog and Grandpa’s fourth complaint about the mailman stealing his garden gnome, to turn their attention to your life. It won’t matter that you’ve got a guest, they’ll want to know everything that’s happened in the last year crammed into one serving of pumpkin pie.

“How’s work? How’s that crotch itch? What happened to that other girl you dated? Do you still pee yourself when watching Ben Affleck movies? Whatever happened to that friend of yours accused of robbing garden gnomes? How’s work? If it still itches it could be HIV. Why Ben Affleck?”

When they aren’t asking embarrassing questions, the family will be recanting horrifying stories about your childhood, your past relationships, that ONE TIME you farted in church during the moment of silence and doing their best to ensure this new girl will want nothing to do with you after desert.

When There is Booze Involved, Anything Can Happen

People like to make merry around the holidays. That’s a polite way of saying ‘they get piss drunk and make a scene and blame it all on the time of year.’ Mixing your family, liquor and an outsider is a dangerous cocktail. Besides really upping the possibility of embarrassing you, they might turn on each other, and the next thing you know Uncle Dan is choking Cousin Fonzie with wrapping ribbon over money he lent him in the summer of ’98.

People Use Holidays To Air Out Their Issues

Festivus has it’s own special time during its celebration known as the ‘airing of grievances.’ For other American holidays, this usually happens the minute relatives get together and ends the moment they put on their coats to leave. Do you really want her to know you’re related to all these loons?

Holidays Are The Fast-Forward Button For Relationships

Bringing a girl home for the holidays moves any relationship, not just to the next level, but to one level under “kids,house and shared toilet.” No matter how you intend this invitation to look, she will only see it one way “he wants to be in a serious relationship.” If you DON’T want to be in a serious relationship, don’t bring her to dinner. The same goes for her inviting you over for the holidays. Don’t go over unless you want to be labeled a boyfriend. There is no relationship rewind, though, peeing during an Affleck movie might set the relationship on pause.

Your Mom is a B*tch

Honestly. She is. Your old enough to realize it now. She will not like this girl even if she really does like this girl. If, by some odd chance, she REALLY DOES like this girl you can never break up with her. If you do, you’ll never hear the end of it. She’ll ask you about her every day for the rest of your life. Especially in front of the next girl you date. If you don’t believe what a pain in the can your mom can be, ask your old man.

Chris Illuminati is the Managing Editor of GuySpeed. He also likes whoring out his own Twitter account.

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