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The Shocking Surprise About What Fantasy Football Actually Is

I have friends who celebrated part of Labor Day by holding their fantasy football draft”.  These friends are grown men, fathers, GRANDFATHERS, some of them!

And they chose to spend part of a holiday picking imaginary teams for an imaginary football league.

Here are some actual photos of this nonsense.

This is the official packet from CBS containing all the “necessary material”.

This packet cost $175 real, NON-IMAGINARY Dollars!


This is what a PORTION of the…board? Game schematic? Nexus of Post-it manliness, actually I have no idea what this is called.

In this photo, you can see some of the creative names that these, once again, adult and otherwise fully-contributing members of society, came up with.

The Stoned Pimps, (actually one  guy, a 51-year-old optometrist) are said to be favored but you can never count out the returning champions Deez Nuts, a 47-year-old insurance rep and father of two.There are 20 other teams and they all sound like they were named by 13-year-old boys who’ve never played a down of organized football in their lives.

So do you want to know the deep, dark secret of fantasy football? It’s shocking, really, when you know the truth.  Alright. Here it is…





Is actually this


They can't be in one of their Mom's Basement. Their Moms can't possibly still be alive.


Yes. Fantasy Football is Dungeons and Dragons. Look at the similarities.

1.) No females in sight.

2.) Fantasy players/characters chosen on ability to “take a hit”.

3.) Cool Ranch Doritos essential to proceedings.

4.) Both are role playing games. In one you’re an NFL General Manager, in the other, a half-elf Ice Wizard. Same diff.

5.) You’re living vicariously… and pathetically.

6.) It’s only fun if you’ve not yet started having sex/ are no longer having sex.

7.) It screws up your priorities.

Example: Say you’re a Bears fan but you don’t have Jay Cutler on your fantasy team. When the actual Chicago Bears play the guy who has Cutler on his fantasy team, who are you going to cheer for? I guess, ideally, you’d want the Bears to win despite Jay Cutler having the shittiest performance in NFL history.

Same goes for D&D.  How are you ever going to cheer for a human in a real fight against a Shadow Troll when in D&D YOU YOURSELF ARE A SHADOW TROLL!??!?

8.) It bears repeating. You are never going to meet women while doing this.

9.) “Commissioners” and “Dungeon Masters”. Puh-leeeze!

10.) Even if you win, you’re still a loser.

So, there you have it. Sorry, fantasy football dudes, just because you prefer passing stats to using a +5 binding enchantment on a Dire-wraith doesn’t mean you aren’t a nerd.

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