This Week in Gluttony: Stadium Food. The Top 5 Stadiums Made Out of Food! [PHOTO]
This Sunday, America celebrates the Super Bowl.
Yes, I did say celebrate. Technically, Super Bowl Sunday isn't a national holiday, but it ought to be. “Super Bowl Monday” should be a federally mandated day of rest and recovery. Not only for the obvious reasons, like the 325.5 million gallons of beer we'll drink this Sunday or the seven million people who'll still call in sick the day after. But there is also the food we'll still be digesting. The 28 million pounds of chips. The one billion buffalo wings (the only way Buffalo will ever outscore anyone in a Super Bowl). Or, were we to actually make a dip bowl out of a football stadium, the 11.8 feet of guacamole on the field.
Sure, turning a football stadium into a dip bowl sounds ridiculous. But we're Americans, dangit! We specialize in the kind of over-the-top ingenuity that made us the remaining world superpower and gave us Cheez Whiz (Cheese! In a pressurized can!).
Sure enough, though we couldn't turn a stadium into a dip bowl, we've turned dip bowls into stadiums! For a nation with universities that can turn hospitality into a college degree, it was just a question of time and logistics.
So, for your Super Bowl viewing pleasure, we give you gridiron gluttony — the Top 5 Stadiums Made of Food!
Eat your heart out, Darfur!
Birds Nest Soup Stadium
Combine the glory of Beijing's Olympic Stadium with the most delicate of Chinese delicacies and you have a stadium that, aside from the gummy bears inside, actually looks kinda good for you. Blech! Who needs that at a Super Bowl party? That's why it's last on the list. Not to mention that, after you ate some, you'd probably be hungry again in an hour.
That’s Nacho Cheese Field
It's not the biggest, but it's down and dirty and looks like something most of us could actually make without much effort, and all with resources you could find in ten hard minutes of shopping. Plus, it has football players made of hot dogs. This ain't stayin' pretty for long, but it's not meant to. By far, this would be the least wasteful food stadium because it's small enough and the foods are basic enough that all you'd have left would be dishes. With the big boys coming up, the creator of this stadium should count his or her blessings.
El Lays Coliseum
This chip-tastic stadium one-ups That's Nacho Cheese Field with the size of its chip portions and the Rice Crispy treats around the perimeter. The black corn chips and the mix of Cheetos and pretzels is solid, too. And more sour cream yard markers is always a plus. Green olives versus black olives? Nice. Although the line in Vegas favors the black olives.
It's so big. And it looks so good for you. Bummer! Berry World's sheer scale is offset only by the number of healthy treats available. Seriously, could there BE any more fruits, berries and nuts? I see only one section of chips and that's in the nosebleed section nowhere NEAR midfield! Where's the nacho cheese and guacamole and cheap-ass Pace Picante sauce? Where are the candies? WHERE'S THE BEEF?! Don't tell me that thin layer of cold cuts and warm cheese around the top of the stadium is meat, either! Plus, if security found you poking around up there they'd think you were a sniper. Black Sunday, indeed. This looks like the Super Bowl party of personal trainers who take themselves way too seriously. No one goes to that party. You're big, Berry World, but too much bran and fiber makes you Number Two. Literally.
The Meat Bowl
Now THIS is stadium food as imagined by the meat gods, Salami, Turkey, Ham, and his cousin, Smoked Ham! Sure, there are some healthy treats, but my goodness! The towering walls of meat! Luxury boxes of soft bread filled with meat. Cheese cubes on the 50-yard line, where they belong! And what did they do when they had leftovers? They made a Hall of Meat supported by pillars of cheese! And when they still had leftovers? They rolled up the freakin' meat and laid 'em out like extra girders for the stadium expansion next year! Sure, they probably had enough leftovers to feed six refugee camps for a week. But even if refugees had access to a supermarket, they could never dream up anything like this! This…is American art, with a thick slice of cheese on the side. Tasty!