Your Complete Shark Week Listing for Thursday Night

Here's how I'm doing this: ever since Discovery promoted "Michael Phelps races a Great White Shark" and it turned out that every word after "Michael Phelps" was a GD lie, I've become very cynical about Shark Week. Here's tonight's listings. I'll tell you what awesome thing the title makes it SOUND like it's going to be about. Then, I'll ruin it by telling you what Discovery is ACTUALLY airing.

(All Times Eastern)

• 8 PM---Sharkcam Strikes Back

The Awesome Thing it SOUNDS like it's going to be:

The Sharkcam is retrofitted with a motion-activated spear-gun. When Mr. Shark gets too close...WHAMMO!

The Boring Reality

No sharks are harmed in this disappointing shark-themed clip show.

• 9 PM---Sharkwrecked

The Awesome Thing it SOUNDS like it's going to be:

Bear Grylles and Rhonda Rousey's boat breaks apart in the middle of shark-invested waters. Also, the boat is made out of bloody chum. Bear and Rhonda have to....OOPS! It's over already.

The Boring Reality:

2 guys that I've never heard of agree to be "shipwrecked"...on dry land! There are known to be sharks in the nearby waters but the humans aren't even required to lather themselves with pig entrails and go into the water.

• 10 PM---Tiger Shark Invasion

The Awesome Thing it SOUNDS like it's going to be:

Tiger Woods volunteers to play 9 holes of underwater golf at Sea World Orland. Behind a glass door are a dozen ravening sharks. Unbeknownst to Tiger, the button to open the door is being held by his ex-wife Elin Nordegren.

The Boring Reality:

Shark experts go to the Galapagos Islands where they learn about the blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.