G N' R Lies - What We CAN'T Say About Guns N' Roses in El Paso

You've heard the rumors -- that Guns N' Roses is coming to El Paso. We may or may not have started these rumors. You know that old saying about how the only way to keep a secret between three people is if two of them are dead? Yeah, well, we're not killers.

The thing is, if they are coming to town (ahem), we legally can't tell you all the details yet. There would be an announcement forthcoming, and on that day, all would be revealed. But because we like to stir the pot, we decided to share some things that are NOT true about their alleged upcoming visit.

We can neither confirm nor deny, but we can tell you about some G N' R Lies!

1
They will play Lowbrow Palace.
At first, this sounds like the craziest thing that could happen -- but remember how The Killers did a secret show there a couple years ago? You know how sometimes a band likes to do a small, intimate show out of the blue?
So while this is possible, the Lowbrow Palace is probably not on the agenda.
2
They'll play in the November rain.
They're not coming in November. Though, how cool would it be for them to do some sort of outdoor show ON a rainy day IN November? I'd bring sprinklers to make that happen, yo.
3
The show will start on time.
HAHAHAHA! Okay, that one was obvious, so we had to get it out of the way.
Seriously, people. Part of seeing Guns N' Roses is waiting for Axl to realize he's not in the same time zone as China. But that just gives you more time to grab a beer, have a hot dog, go to the bathroom and/or sneak in a quickie with your chick on Jerk-Off Mountain, if you're into that sort of thing. (We think Slash would approve.)
4
Mötley Crüe will open.
Basically, Mötley Crüe disbanded, no matter what Vince Neil tries to make you believe. So this could never happen.
But the real reason this could never happen? It would be too much f**king awesomeness in one place. There'd be fatalities from heads exploding.
5
It's a free show.
You think Axl and Slash stand on a stage together because they're buddies? C'mon, man -- they roll on a mountain of dollar bills after each show and laugh like cartoon villains. If they come to El Paso, you're going to have to pay for it -- so get used to it.
To be fair, though, from all reports everywhere, it'll be worth every damn dime. Save up now.
6
The show isn't coming to El Paso, it's going to Albuquerque.
Everyone wants to rag on ol' Chuco Town, but Blink 182 sold out. Green Day keeps adding tickets because demand is so strong. Even One Direction sold out in El Paso, and despite how much that ass-music sucks, you have to give them credit. Read this carefully: EL PASO CAN HAVE ITS OWN CONCERTS.
If the rock fans of El Paso continue buying tickets and supporting the shows, big artists will continue to come here. So stop complaining, keep your fingers crossed, and maybe we'll convince Robert Plant to get his fist out of his ass and reunite the Zeppelin in San Jacinto Plaza. #itsallgoodep
7
There's no venue for Guns N' Roses here.
Why do people say things like this? Do you really think there's NO place for an act that big to play in El Paso? Just because it's empty every other day of the year, doesn't mean we don't have the perfect venue.
8
They're headlining StreetFest.
Unfortunately, they won't be. (What do you think, we're made of gold bars? Despite what you may have heard, I am not down with selling my body for a band to come to town. However, I'm not opposed to selling various office mates' bodies at deep, deep discounts.)
We can, however, confirm that Neon Trees are not returning this year. But, fingers crossed we can still get Justin Bieber for the KLAQ BBQ!
9
They'll be in El Paso to shoot a new DVD, "Guns N' Rosa's Cantina"
What? It's hard to come up with nine things.