So, I settled in Sunday night to enjoy the first night of Shark Week on Discovery. The first thing I see is the teaser for "Bear vs. Shark". My heart races. My mind reels! How are they going to pit a bear vs. a shark?! Will the bear have to go in the water? It wouldn't be a fair fight but I guess it makes more sense than the shark having to fight the bear on land.

I didn't get to find out because my girlfriend convinced me (decided for me) that we should watch the three-hour "90-Day Fiancee" instead. Turns out, I'm glad I did because on Monday I found out that "Bear vs. Shark" doesn't feature an actual bear fighting a shark but, rather, "Bear" Grylles...and he's not even fighting a shark! He's just kind of scuba diving around them. Pretty misleading title, Discovery. Although, not as misleading as last year when Michael Phelps was supposed to "race" a shark.

That was when Shark Week...jumped the shark.

If you're fond of being duped by the Discovery network here's a list of what's scheduled for the rest of Donald Trump's absolute favorite week of the year.

First I'll give you the title of the show. Then, I'll tell you what SOUNDS like it's going to be. Then, I'll ruin it by telling you the actual disappointing thing that it actually is.

TONIGHT (all times Eastern)

  • 8 pm---Air Jaws: Back from the Dead

The Awesome Thing it SOUNDS like it's going to be:
Scientists have discovered a new species of shark that can fly. Also, they are somehow zombies!

The Boring Reality:
Footage of sharks jumping (briefly) out of the water to chomp something. The sharks are not even remotely zombies as the title implies

  • 9 pm---Shark Tank Meets Shark Week

The Awesome Thing it SOUNDS like it's going to be:
Mark Cuban, Barbara Corcoran and the FUBU guy have to swim across an olympic-sized pool that has been chummed with bloody seal meat as 3 adult Great Whites thrash ravenously.

The Boring Reality:

Mark Cuban, Barbara Corcoran and the FUBU guy award money to whichever inventor has the best shark conservation idea. None of them get eaten.

  • 10 pm---Sharkcam Stakeout

The Awesome Thing it SOUNDS like it's going to be:

The president of programming for Discovery is tied to a stake on a beach during low tide. A sharkcam is left recording as the tide slowly rises and a school of starving Tiger Sharks make their way into the shallows to feast.

The Boring Reality:

A bunch of shark experts watch footage of sharks doing things OTHER than eating Discovery Channel executive. Boo!