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What Are the Cost Overruns for the Downtown Ballpark?

How much more money is needed to finish El Paso’s Triple A baseball stadium? No one, it seems, is really sure. Josh Hunt of Mountainstar could only speculate..another 5 million? Seven? Who knows?

But what, exactly, is causing the cost overrun on the ballpark that has already been the topic of so much controversy?  Luckily, that information has come into my possession. I have here an itemized list of all the things that are pushing that original price of 50 million ever skyward.

Indoor/Outdoor Alligator Habitat—-$12.3 Million

Yes, whether the team is named the Desert Gators or not, this world class habitat will be sure to bring baseball fans and reptile lovers alike. It will be just like El Paso days of yore when live alligators frolicked in anguish in the fountains of San Jacinto Plaza. Feeding time will be a special treat for the kiddies!

Aardvark-Shaped Topiary—$80,000

For 80 thousand, this is as close to an aardvark as you’re going to get

The new team may well be called the El Paso Aardvarks. If not, El Pasoans will be able to enjoy this reminder of what might have been, rendered in the timeless medium of shrubbery.  In case of drought conditions, though, either the alligators or shrubs will have to do without water. Fans will get a say in another minor league first: “Who Gets to Live” night!

Development and Construction of World’s First Deflector Shield — $198 Million

Two teams, one at MIT and the other at CERN are busy working out the technical kinks in creating this feature that will be sure to put El Paso on the map! Seen in some of the greatest Sci-Fi movies of all time, this will be the first real-world functional deflector shield. It will be installed on the stadiums north and west sides and will be capable of deflecting small arms fire and thrown projectiles. Sorry, fans, it won’t be able to stop photon torpedoes so let’s hope the Cartels don’t get a hold of those any time soon!

The project manager assures us it will be “fully operational” by the time our friends arrive!

 

Underground Bullet Train—-$2.5 Billion

Another first for Texas, the Faster, Foster, Faster train as it’s called will be able to travel at speeds in excess of 1,600 mph. all while underground. The train will be able to whiz El Pasoans anywhere they want to go, as long as it is from the ballpark to the Fountains at Farah mall or from the Fountains at Farah mall to the ballpark.

25 Foot Statue of our Benefactor, Paul Foster—$27.2 Million

Fans will be greeted at the ballpark by this magnificent colossus made from Carrara  marble, mined from the fabled mines of Tuscany which supplied Michelangelo for his greatest works. You won’t even have to duck as you walk through The Foster of Rhodes legs as you enter the park!

 

Fan Appreciation Night Gifts—-$170.6 Million

Souvenir bats and helmet ice cream bowls are nice, but Mountainstar wants to make sure it’s first fan appreciation night is something fans won’t forget, like they did Cohen Stadium. That’s why, on that night, every fan in attendance will receive a free tea-cup chihuahua and $30,000 cash. Let’s play ball!!

 

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