Okay, the crimes people are attempting just seem to be getting dumber and dumber these days. Here's a trio of stupidity from the last couple days around the country. It makes you wonder what the hell is going on in the rest of the country, and grateful it doesn't seem to be infecting us here.

Yet.

Give Me Cocaine, or I'll Bite Your Legs Off!

In Oregon, this genius walked into a hospital emergency room (already drunk) and asked for cocaine, which TOTALLY makes sense, right? Whenever I'm drinking I think, "I betcha I can get the best coke at the emergency room!" He then sat down to wait a bit, then decided the best way to get his coke would be to go punch some woman in the face! So far, all seems reasonable, right? When security and police came to arrest him, he refused to walk and then bit one of the officers on the leg, breaking the skin.

Maybe he thought the cop has coke in his blood.

Sadly the officer only had donuts and coffee in there.

Check out the whole story here.

How You Know You're Not Tough Enough to be a Criminal in Your Neighborhood

About 12:45am Monday morning in Detroit, a woman with her shirt pulled up over her head walked into a store and told the clerk she had a gun and wanted the money. I can imagine the clerk snapping her gum and saying, "No, now get in line behind the other people who are here to buy stuff." The would-be robber then came around the counter, the clerk said she was calling the cops, and so the unknown robber ran. No one got a good look at her face.

They were probably staring at her boobs, if she had her shirt pulled up over her head! Can you picture the police lineup? "Number three, step forward, lift your shirt and then run out the room sobbing, please!" "Yes, officer, that's definitely her!"

How friggin' tough does your neighborhood have to be for a store clerk to be completely unconcerned about someone with a gun? "So, you gots a gun. Big deal, you can wait in line with the rest of the customers."

Check out the story here.

I Would Have Gotten Away With It Too, If It Wasn't For Those Pesky Window Treatments!

So another genius in Albuquerque broke into a CNM on Sunday, supposedly looking for some computer stuff and was caught by police because he couldn't get out after getting tangled in the window blinds!

So if you've been looking and shopping around for the best security system to keep you home or business valuables safe, it seems your search is over. Just go down to the local decorating store and ask them for their special "Venus Flytrap" model window blinds. I'm sure they have a huge selection of man-eating treatments sure to fit any decor.

Just make sure they know who actually lives in the house, or there could be another genius in the news, for an entirely different reason.

Check out the story here.