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PHOTOS: Suggestions for Repurposing the Asarco Smokestack

It is being widely reported that an El Paso landmark, the Asarco Smokestack, at one time the world’s tallest, will be demolished.

I, for one, would like to see it brought up to code and remain as one of our city’s most impressive erections.

But the City government has taken a pass on it and Border Patrol doesn’t seem to take seriously my idea of making it a sniper nest.

If the smokestack is to remain, a practical purpose will need to be found. Fortunately, I have a few ideas…

Maybe we need to find a corporate sponsor who would like to have an 828 foot tall advertisement! You know who spends a lot of money on advertising?

Big Tobacco. Has anybody even called Philip Morris to see if they’d like to have a tower painted to look like the world’s biggest-ass Marlborough?!   People would come from all over the world to take pictures and buy souvenir snow globes of the world’s largest cigarette.  If they could just get the chimney running again, they could even have real smoke billowing out of the ember-colored top! Someone should get working on this right away.

But, maybe we’d be better off going with something that El Paso is known for. You know what we’re famous for? Mexican food. We could turn this…

…into this!

Mexican food lovers, I give you….The World’s Largest Chico’s Taco!!

Never again will people driving through El Paso even think about stopping at Arby’s or KFC. Our humongous rolled taco will let them know they should stop for a few hours and gain a pant size or two before being on their way.

Again, the chimney could be switched on to make it looks as though steaming hot Mexican deliciousness is roiling off the fresh-from-the-fryer taco. Keeping birds from eating the delicious outer shell may be a challenge, however. One possibly requiring mesh wiring or .410 shotguns.

I’ve saved my favorite for last, though. What do you think of when you think of El Paso? Mexico, of course. And what do you think of when you think of Mexico? After “drug violence”, I mean.  Right! Fiesta!!!  And what do you think of when you think of a fiesta?  OK…here’s what I’m picturing. Instead of this

Imagine if we had this

Behold! The World’s Largest Pinata Stick!! Isn’t it magnificent? Look at the colors! Just imagine the festive streamers blowing in the wind.  People would flock to El Paso just to see the gigantic Pinata stick and visit the Pinata museum located at the base. In they gift shop they could spend their out-of-town money buying miniature replicas of the World’s Largest Pinata Stick which would, of course, just be regular pinata sticks.

There’s a fortune waiting to be made for the person with the vision to seize this opportunity. Who will it be? Mr. Foster? Mr. Hunt? I’m awaiting your phone calls, gentlemen, so we can begin making plans to turn my dream into a very profitable reality. Call me, k?

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