Advice to the Class of 2012 From a Grumpy Old Man From the ’80s
Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of 2012: Take it easy on the tattoos. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, going easy on the tattoos would be it. Lots of people end up regretting getting tattoos but hardly anyone has every looked back and regretted not getting tattoos. Also, whatever band you are into right now, your philosophy on life, your significant other and your favorite type of barbed wire… all those things are almost certainly going to change over the next 20 years. The long term benefits of not having tattoos has been proven time and again. Whereas the rest of my advice has no basis except for my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice … now.
Make it a habit to write in complete sentences. Grammar, punctuation and proper capitalization may seem to be outdated because none of your friends on Facebook use them. But your friends aren’t the ones who will be hiring you. MY friends are. And to us you sound like f*cking morons.
Stop twittering while you’re walking. You could fall into a hole and die.
When you finally do get a job, do not reheat any fish or fish-based entrees in the break room microwave.
Girls, if a guy asks you to send him a sexy picture of yourself and you make him swear that he will erase it…rest assured, he’ll still be showing that picture to his friends 10 years from now after you’re married to someone else and a member of the PTA.
If you go to college for 4 years and find you can’t immediately get a job, going to school for 4 more years isn’t the answer.
When you say the word “literally” you actually mean “figuratively.”
When you say the word “ironic” you actually mean “coincidental.”
The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one.
Arguing with people on the internet is like the Special Olympics. Even if you win, you’re still retarded.
If you want to make a statement against rich people, occupying is a stupid waste of time. Instead, do what I do. Fart every time you walk through first-class on the way back to coach.
Money cannot buy happiness. But it can allow you to choose your own form of misery.
Many people have given the advice that “it gets better.” This is true. If you were an outcast or unpopular or picked on for whatever reason, you should realize that it’s because high school is stupid and your real life is going to be so much better than you can possibly realize. But I think people should be aware of the other side of the “it gets better” coin which is, “it gets worse.” For some of you popular kids, you jocks, prom-queens and douchebag bullies, you have already peaked in life. You are 18 and everything about your life is going to be one big downward spiral from now until the day you die and when you’re lying on your death-bed your fondest memory will still be the time in your Junior year when you beat up a gay classmate and celebrated by drinking a six-pack of Shaffer Lite and finger-banging a cheerleader. Congratulations…and, enjoy!