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14 Surefire Signs You’re the Creepy Guy in the Bar on Fat Tuesday

Man in Bar

Every watering hole has one: the oddball character who’s strange.

We don’t mean ‘strange’ in that he reminisces about the days he enjoyed a good Zima, either. We mean strange, as in he’s just plain spooky. Here’s how you can tell if you’re that guy:

1. When you walk in, the music actually screeches to a stop.

2. When you sit down, the people nearby casually get up and move at least 25 feet away. It’s like you’ve single-handedly brought the cooties back.

3. No one can figure out why, but saliva is oozing out of your mouth like Cujo.

4. You’re asking people to sign your petition demanding the bar remain open on Christmas Day.

5. Whenever a woman walks in, you put your hands in your pocket.

6. You insist on the staff cheering “Norm!” every time you walk in.

7. You’re wearing a trenchcoat, even though it’s packed to the gills and 85 degrees.

8. You camped out waiting for the bar to open.

9. It’s 10 o’clock. In the morning.

10. Your drink of choice is Yoo-hoo.

11. You’re there everyday and they still haven’t named a drink after you yet.

12. You’re engaged in a very deep and intense conversation about how the government staged the moon landing — with yourself.

13. You’re trying to pick up two hot blondes that you don’t seem to realize is an old cardboard cutout of the Coors Light twins.

14. You cry when the bartender shouts, “Last call!”

Drew Weisholtz is a funny guy. Unless you didn’t like this, in which case he’s simply using a pseudonym. He’s written for ABC and other online outlets and does standup comedy in front of actual people. You can follow him on Twitter @undrstoodgenius.

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