5 Terrible Super Bowl Performers Who Are Preferable to Coldplay
The NFL announced on Thursday that Coldplay will be headlining the halftime show for Super Bowl 50 for some god-forsaken reason. Now, Coldplay certainly isn't the first terrible act to get booked for the show, but it may be the worst as evidenced by these five terrible halftime shows of the past that we'd prefer over having our football interrupted by the song "Yellow":
- 1
Carol Channing
1970Miss Carol Channing is a 95-year-old actress/singer/dancer and Tony Award winner. She also performed the halftime show at Super Bowl IV in 1970. No video of that performance exists, but the feisty nonagenarian recreated her performance in a Pepsi ad a few years ago.
I'd rather watch Carol Channing's dentures for 20 minutes during the Super Bowl than Coldplay.
- 2
Up With People
1976-1986Up With People were Halliburton and GE's idea of what hippies should be. 150 young people would sing about moral purity and good citizenship. Nobody in history has ever gotten enjoyment out of an Up With People performance. Proof below from Super Bowl X in 1976.
Coldplay makes Up With People sound like Gwar.
- 3
Disney Tribute to Hollywood Featuring George Burns and Mickey Rooney
1987Imagine Rooney and Mouse, the two dreaded Mickeys of the Apocalypse, dosey-do-ing to Strike Up the Band and Goofy, Chip and Dale, and male dancers who look like they might have actually been Chippendale's shaking it to Footloose. This scenario actually happened in the eighties and it wasn't done to torture Manuel Noriega into leaving his palace. No, this was the Halftime show at Super Bowl XXI that appealed to that specific demographic that loved football, Disney characters and entertainers that were actually born before football was invented.
I'd take a performance by Mickey Rooney over Coldplay today and Mickey's been dead for almost two years.
- 4
Olympic Figure Skater Brian Boitano
1992Actually, Brian Boitano and Dorothy Hamill figure skating were the best part of this show and I hate figure skating. The worst part is when they bring out the 1980 Olympic hockey team while a recording of the worst inspirational song ever written is played. The lyrics "Champions! Never gonna stop us! Because we're having so much fun now!" are probably the only things that could ever make a person feel embarrassed that they won an Olympic gold medal.
Brian Boitano has more testosterone in his left eyelid than all the member of Coldplay combined.
- 5
Elvis Impersonator Doing a Giant Card Trick (1989)
Da...Fuh??
Elvis impersonators and card tricks are the 2 things I hate most about Vegas and that includes losing all my money and catching a venereal disease. What happens when those two elements are incorporated into a Super Bowl halftime show? Probably a big meeting afterward where someone suggests, "Maybe we need to start paying someone to do this show."
- BONUS
Ron Jeremy Performs Christmas Songs