1st Ant Man Trailer Shows Why I Don’t Care About Ant Man

Buzz lets us know if the new Ant Man movie will be a hit at the box office or if it will tank! Check out the trailer and the details!

Let me admit first that I thought Guardians of the Galaxy was going to bomb. Boy, did I ever swing and whiff on that one, huh? Who would be interested in seeing a feature film about a group of Marvel D-minus-minus-listers that included a talking raccoon that, in his original appearance in a Hulk comic, was a humorous homage to the Beatles White Album. Seriously, this is true. I’m still gob smacked that Guardians turned out to be good.
So, less than a year later, here I am…calling my shot once again. Ant Man is definitely going to blow.

Here are some of the reasons…

1.) Obviously, Ant Man has a Shitty Power

Ant Man was originally Dr. Henry Pym, a brilliant scientist who creates a potion that allows him to shrink to the size of an insect. Instead of going back to the drawing board and trying to come up with a more useful “power”, Pym decides to fight crime by becoming very, very tiny. Oh, and also by communicating telepathically with ants. This power will come in very handy if all the super-villains ever throw a picnic that needs to be ruined. Mostly, Ant Man would contribute to the Avengers by trying not to get stepped on and sneaking through the keyhole in a locked door so Thor wouldn’t have to mess up his manicure by knocking it off the hinges with his pinky finger. Also, he could sneak into the bad guy’s ear canal and then revert to normal size and thereby make the villain’s head explode in a shower of blood and brain matter. HA HA ! JUST KIDDING! They never did that! That would’ve been AWESOME, though!! No, he just turned small and sometimes rode around on an ant’s back.

How lame was Ant Man? So lame that even Marvel realized it pretty quickly and decided to change his power from “getting small” to “getting big” and, thus, Giant Man was born. The crime-fighting advantages of being 25 feet tall should be apparent.

2.) Ant Man Was a Founding Member of the Avengers…But Not This Ant Man

It’s true…Ant Man was one of the original members of the Avengers, along with his girlfriend Wasp (don’t get me started on that relationship). So why wasn’t Ant Man in the Avengers movie? See Entry # 1, above. Remember how useless Hawkeye and Black Widow seemed fighting the Chitauri invaders in Avengers? One’s power was “good bow and arrow shooter” and the other’s was “hot and knows how to use a gun”. Enviable talents to be sure, but kind of underwhelming next to Living Deity, 10 foot tall Rage Beast, Ultimate Soldier and Indestructible Robot-Armor. Well, even a lame-o like Hawkeye makes Ant Man look pathetic.

In the trailer you’ll notice Michael Douglas…

His character is Hank Pym. You know, the original Ant Man. So, who is this guy??

Hey! It’s the Sex Panther guy! In the trailer, Douglas , as Pym, calls Paul Rudd “Scott”. Sure enough, Rudd plays “Scott Lang” aka the 2nd Ant Man.

Scott Lang was originally a small time burglar who steals Ant Man’s suit and eventually get Pym’s blessing to take over the identity. Among this Ant Man’s greatest adventures in the comics was the time he helped Iron Man get out of his suit which he was stuck in. This actually happened. I guess super-smallness is useful for getting inside tight spaces and hitting reset buttons.

Ant Man II also battled the Micronauts. Again, this actually happened in the comics.

Oooh! And who can forget the time Ant Man Jr. helped save The Hulk when he had Lou Gehrig’s Disease by shrinking down to a cellular level and manually performing some gene therapy. Once again, I feel the need to clarify that I’m not making any of this up.

3.) This

Ha! You thought I was kidding when I said Ant Man’s preferred mode of transportation was riding an Ant. Nope, here he is riding the shit out of a winged ant which actually exist in real life, I’m told. You want to talk about being in no hurry to fight crime. “Yeah, I could grow back to regular size and walk across the room in five seconds. OR…I could stay tiny and ride a freaking ant and be there in a half hour.” Did you know that ants only have wings when they are in the mating stage of their life. It’s a true fact. Maybe this explains why Ant Man didn’t take part in the Battle of New York in The Avengers. He was on his way, riding along at 8 feet per hour, when his ant ride saw a sexy lady ant in estrus. Then, after dying once the mating was finished (another thing actual ants do) by the time Ant Man could hitch another ride, the Chitauri were all defeated. Also, he may have gotten stuck in gum that was on the bottom of some kids shoe.