You Think Americans are Fat NOW? Wait Until We’re All Zombies – Brains are TERRIBLE For Your Figure!
Sometimes I’m afraid of my brain. I was reading the story today that Duke posted about the guy here in El Paso who was biting people on the bus, and for some reason my brain asked me, “How many calories do you think are in a human brain? Would they be part of a healthy diet?”
Like I said, sometimes I’m afraid of my brain.
But I listened to it and decided to do a little research on the calories in a brain. Would it be a good diet for a zombie? The thing that disturbed me more wasn’t that I was doing this research, but how many people have already done it! Apparently, either people are REALLY worried about the Zombie-pocalypse, or too many people have too much time on their hands.
After munching down my favorite burger (green-chile double), I feel totally qualified to write about calories.
Boring Science Bit:
The brain seems to be mostly water, protein and fat. Like 60% fat to 40% protein, of what’s not water and the average brain weighs between 1300 and 1400 grams. Let’s say you pulled a petite brain out of someone (don’t do this) and were going to eat the whole thing…all 1300 grams. There’s some cool math stuff people do that tells me that a brain has roughly 1.4 calories per gram (raw), which means that a 1300 gram human brain would have about 1820 calories in it. But luckily there’s less fat in a human brain than a cow brain, so it’s healthier for you.
What does this mean?
1820 calories means you basically shouldn’t eat anything else today. Maybe tomorrow, too. Unless you’re a really big person, or work out like a maniac. Zombies being rather sedentary, you should probably stick to just one. The worst part is there are possibly like 40,000mg of cholesterol in a brain! I’m afraid you’re zombie body will be popping cholesterol meds like candy.
If you stuck to one brain a day, you’d probably be okay, but too many brains and you’ll end up like the poor heavy zombie lady in the Dawn of the Dead remake.
Now, if you’re a patient zombie, you could divide up the brain into meals, and you should get about three and a half meals out of one brain, which should keep you satisfied throughout the day. A little light activity, say chasing some pesky living people will give you enough exercise to burn off those extra calories. I doubt you’ll find someone willing to spot you at the gym, though.
Unfortunately, you’re stuck with all those bad carbs. The damn living are no good for anything, are they?