What’s REALLY Stopping Tebow from Playing for Gene Simmon’s Football Team
As you probably know by now, Gene Simmons of the rock band KISS wants Tim Tebow to come and play for his arena league football team. Given Gene's legendary ego, it's no wonder the team is called The L.A. Kiss. Actually, it's more surprising that the team isn't called the L.A. Gene Simmonses. Gene Simmons has put it out there that he'd like to sign Tebow to a three year contract. Tebow has said that if he doesn't play for an NFL team it will cause the baby Jesus to weep. I don't think that's the only thing keeping this deal from actually happening. Here's how I imagine the phone call to have gone...
(phone rings and Tim Tebow answers)
TIM: Hello, It’s a beautiful day the Lord has made! Tim Tebow speaking.
GENE: Tim, it’s Gene Simmons of the rock band KISS.
TIM: OH, merciful heavens!! (begins praying fervently)
GENE: Tim…Tim? Are you there?
TIM: Yes, sir, Mr. Simmons. I was just praying to the lord to send his watchful angels to protect me from the satanic powers of rock and roll!
GENE: Yeah, right…listen, Tim, I’ll cut right to the chase. Me and Paul Stanley want you to be our Quarterback for our Arena Football team, the LA Kiss.
TIM: Gee…I’m really flattered, Mr. Simmons, but…why me?
GENE: Well, you see Tim, we wanted the best…and the best are already in the NFL so we decided to settle with you.
TIM: Golly, Mr. Simmons, I appreciate the offer and all, but I just can’t see myself playing for your team.
GENE: Why Not?
TIM : Well, in the first place, Jesus has told me to ONLY play in the NFL. In the second place, it would violate my deeply held religious beliefs to play for a band whose name is an acronym for Knights In Satan’s Service!
GENE: Tim, Tim, my boy…that’s just a silly old urban legend! KISS doesn’t really stand for “Knights In Satan’s Service”
TIM: It doesn’t ?
GENE: Of course not. It stands for “KINGS In Satans Service”
TIM: And the spitting up of blood during concerts?
GENE: Food coloring, bubala.
TIM: And the inhumanly long demon like tongue?
TIM: And the fact that a band that can barely play 3 chords has sold over 100 million albums?
(There is a long pause)
GENE: Ok, I will admit that I signed a deal with Lucifer on that one but, c’mon, we really need you to be our Quarterback, Tim…