What a Shock! Gwyneth’s Expensive Goop Products Turn Out to be Useless Crap

Goop is Gwyneth Paltrow’s pretentious website that sells pretentious crap to pretentious people who have more money than they do sense. You can say what you will about $425 cheese knives or $75 bobby pins but at least those products do what they’re advertised to do (cut cheese and whatever it is bobby pins do, respectively). No, to get into the truly, offensively egregious wastes of money, you need to go to the “ Wellness” section of Goop. It’s there that Gwyneth was selling a $65 egg shaped product made of jade that women were supposed to put inside their hoo-hah’s. Goop has just agreed to pay $145,000 in civil fines because they advertised this product as having health benefits. I guess if they’d just claimed it felt good or that it was for people who had $65 they wanted to get rid of but couldn’t think of one single worthy charity, Goop would have been in the clear.

In addition to the fine, Goop is “barred from making any claims regarding the efficacy of it’s product without possessing competent and reliable scientific evidence”.

Judging from some of the OTHER items that they HAVEN’T been sued over, I assume they didn’t make any kind of “claims” about the “efficacy” of any of these “wellness” products.

1.) The Goop Medicine Bag is Actually a Pouch with Rocks in it
For $85 you can get the Goop Medicine Bag.
I would think calling a sack of rocks “Medicine” would fall under the heading of “misleading medical claims” but what do I know. The description says the Medicine bag hold’s “magically charged stones”. The only time the words “Magic” and “Medicine” make any sense together is if you’re talking about Ervin Johnson’s latest check-up.
Magic stones. Jesus.

2.) Serpentfire Tarot Cards
For a mere $50 you can get Tarot Cards
You can believe in Tarot cards if you want. That’s your right. But I would just think you would be skeptical of any of the other “wellness” products that are on the same webpage as “magical pieces of cardboard that can tell the future”.

3.) Rose Quartz Bottle
It’s a plastic water bottle with a cheap piece of quartz inside so you can “infuse you water with positive energy”.
No real doctor would ever recommend this thing. Except maybe an unscrupulous dentist hoping that you’ll knock your front teeth out while drinking your positive energy water and need an expensive set of veneers.

4.) $4,000 2-Person Sauna
Ummm….actually, you know what? That DOES look like a real sauna. Knowing Gwyneth and Goop, however, I’m going to assume that it claims to be made out of the wood of ancient druid-blessed fairy-trees and heated by positive-energy, chakra-aligning Incan pyramid lasers.