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Things I Thought I’d Do as an Adult, But Don’t

When I was a kid, I thought I would be able to do whatever I wanted as an adult! You’re in charge of your own life and get to make all the big decisions you want. But not that I have finally reached that plateau where I can do whatever I want, I found out there are a lot of things I really don’t do now that I can.


Personal Photo
Personal Photo


Go To Bed Whenever I Want



I thought being an adult you could go to bed whenever you feel like. Even stay up all night watching late night television eating ice cream. Now, I’m usually in bed sleeping by 10, 10:30 if there is something work related I’m doing.



Buy Porn



I always thought when I got older I would be able to go to an adult store and buy my own porn. Yeah, I was weird and wanted to see what all the big fuss was about. I thought it would be less embarrassing than it actually is. Even if you buy it online! That awkward moment you have to call the overseas telemarketer and tell him to cancel your subscription to some awful named porn site, like border bangers dot com. Although it is hilarious to hear the telemarketers say the dirty titles in their foreign accents. You should try it just for the entertainment value in that.



Have A Personalized License Plate



I always thought when I got my own car, the first thing I would get would be a personalized license plate because it looked cool. Now? I think it looks ridiculous. You spend money to look like a douchebag. I might as well put on my Ed Hardy shirt and call it a day.



Touch Breakable Things In A Store



Now I simply understand more why my mother didn’t trust me, because I don’t trust myself either.



Throw Elaborate Dinner Parties



The most elaborate things at my parties are the jell-o shots my roommate makes. Or the time I lit fireworks off in my dining room. I called it my “grand finale.”



Buy Whatever I Want



Now I realize not many people can afford shopping sprees at Saks Fifth Avenue.



Eat Cookies For Breakfast



When I was 7 I saw my mom eat a cookie before she went to work. I asked her, “Why do you get a cookie for breakfast?!” She told me, “You can have cookies for breakfast, lunch, and dinner when you’re a grownup, but right now you’re 7; eat your cream of wheat.”

I don’t eat cookies for breakfast, lunch, and dinner :(



Vacation Anytime, Anywhere



My parents always took me on a summer vacation all over the United States when I was a kid but I really wanted to go to Italy, France, or Greece. Somewhere exotic and I vowed when I got older I would go on as many trips out of America that I could. Now that I’m old enough to do that, I would have to sell my body in a hostel to afford such a trip.



Eat As Much Pizza As I Want



I loved pizza when I was a kid and decided when I grew up, I would eat as much pizza as I wanted. Now that I work at this radio station and do so many remotes, I could go without pizza for a year.



Not Be Scared Of Cops



Still terrified of them.


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