The Weekend Hangover Cure…Kinda
Hangovers are proof that God (or whomever you talk to while driving the porcelain bus) has a sense of humor. A very sick and twisted sense of humor. Hopefully on my judgment day when the man up top or whoever is showing me all the bad things I’ve done, he’ll give me credit for all the epic hangovers I’ve endured.
When I was younger I used to view hangovers as punishment, hence the reason that I used to make bargains with the Almighty that if he would just make me feel better I would never drink again. If I had a dollar for every time I tried that route I could probably put a stripper through at least one semester of college.
As I got older and wiser I knew that after a hard night of drinking that began with a case of Coronas and ended with a bottle Jose Cuervo, I would be met not with punishment, but rather a challenge. I knew I was going to feel like a big bag of crap. The only question was for how long and how big of a bag. How do I get rid of the infamous hangover?
Over the years I’ve tried just about every technique, snake oil and just plain retarded idea you can imagine to not only get rid of, but prevent a hangover. So today I’ve decided to share some of the best and worst hangover remedies I’ve tried through the years.
Read that last sentence again very carefully. I’m only going to talk about hangover remedies that I have personally tried. I know some smartass is going to come up with some crazy stuff in the comments section like, “You didn’t talk about drinking the pee of a lactating Cow while sticking a carrot up your bumhole.” I know I didn’t, because I’ve never TRIED that. I don’t have any carrots. Or, “The only thing that gets rid of a hangover is time.” Yes, this is true, but letting something run its course isn’t curing it.
Here’s the basics:
What is a hangover? Put simply it is you being really dehydrated. It takes tons of water to filter alcohol out of your body after a night of drinking keg beer and shots of crappy plastic bottle tequila. So the best hangover cures are the ones that hydrate your body as quickly as possible. I’m not going to include water in this list because any dumbass knows you should drink as much water as possible when your sick in any way.
So here we go…stick with me on this…commet later.
1.32 oz of lemon lime prevention
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. That being said this is probably one of the best hangover cure I know of and is my current go-to move. If you know you’re going to make like a nail tonight and get hammered, be sure to swing by the store and pick up a 32 oz. lemon-lime Gatorade before hand. The trick is to drink the entire bottle before you go to bed. Don’t put it into the fridge either. It’s almost impossible to drink 32 ounces of 40 degree Gatorade in one sitting. Instead just leave it on the counter, or better yet on your pillow so you don’t stumble into your room and forget to drink it. The high-fructose corn syrup used to sweeten the Gatorade also counteracts the chemical in your brain that tells you you’re full and will allow you to drink the entire bottle. And why lemon-lime Gatorade? Because if you’re a puker it won’t stain anything.
2.Chicos Tacos, Good Luck Café, or Village Inn
This is another prevention one. If you didn’t have enough sense to eat before you went out drinking you should definitely eat before you pass out. No food in the belly means low blood sugar when you wake up that in turn means you go from bad hangover to really bad hangover. And lets face it, it’s much better to have something to throw up rather than dry heave until your throat hurts. And why Chicos, Good Luck Café or Village Inn? They are kind of like Las Vegas. They welcome a drunk who has no concept of money or sticking to a budget. I’ve personally dropped more than $25 for food I didn’t eat on more than one occasion. Yeah you’ve done it !
This one is in case you didn’t follow the Chicos, GL Café, or VI advice. As mentioned before, low blood sugar will magnify a hangover. Get your rear end up and find a place that sells menudo!! Menudo is like jet fuel to your body. The Hominy has enough carbs to give a vegetarian a high like no other. The beef tripe itself has tons of protein and sugar which will make you feel like a million bucks, and the chili and onions will help cover that bad breath (I have no scientific reason for this. It just does.) And talk about energy! At about 1700 calories per large bowl, it has enough calories to last your anorexic girlfriend a week. Another option PHO!(Google it ) Same concept !
4.A little Sex (alone,phone or with someone)
If you played your cards right last night, there’s a good chance there’s something sleeping next to you (yeah i said it.. SOMETHING) that resembles your choice of sex partner (or maybe not!!) and they most likely feels like they were run over by the same truck/car/bus/mule that you were. What you need is a good ol’ shot of endorphins. The temporary high produced by the endorphins released during sex will be the pick me up you need to get your rear end out of bed. Just make sure you wake them up first or that your hands are clean.
5.Hair of the dog
This is probably the most well known cure. It’s also the dumbest ( I’ve tried it) unless you don’t have anything productive to do the rest of the day. I mean seriously, if you wake up and start drinking again you’re just adding fuel to the fire. Sure you’ll feel better because you’re drunk again. As soon as you stop drinking you’re back to square one again. So avoid this tactic unless you plan on drinking and watching football all day anyway or puking all afternoon.
Ok. You’re hungover. WTF am I talking about? Stop your whining, keep reading. Because your body is full of toxins. It’s time to evict those dirty little bastards. Make your way to the gym and find an open treadmill. Pick a moderate pace and you’ll start sweating almost instantly. 20 minutes should have you feeling like a champ. Oh, DO NOT FORGET TO BRING A WATER BOTTLE AND DRINK IT WHILE YOU RUN. As funny as it would look, you don’t want to pass out from dehydration on a treadmill. Dont wanna go to the gym, go outside and pick up all the cans and bottles from the party. Better yet… wash down the puke from the drive way.
7.Drink the GOOD Stuff (Educate yourself)
Drink the good stuff (tequila,whisky,wine or whatever your poison may be) Premium drinks have better quality and taste. Educate yourself on what you’re drinking.
And most important…DONT DRINK AND DRIVE,
You dont want to be that Moron thats responsible for causing a major accident.
Did I miss anything? I think I covered it all. If you have any cures, let me know,write them down, email them, or post them here. I’m sure some Hungover person on the Internet will truly thank you for it.