I'm surprised no one else has hit up Mr. Lombardo with something like this before now. This is a fantastic offer from "the world's premier unsigned western Massachusetts thrash-metal band" for Dave to join their band. They can pay him a fine salary for each gig, they have tasks already set for him, and can even get him a $20 Red Robin Gift Certificate!

He might still have to audition, but he probably won't ever have to sue the band to try to get money out of them. He'll have to change his name, and take care of a few other things, but they're trivial:

Your duties will include

  • Drumming
  • Hauling gear
  • Driving long hours on tour
  • Providing us with a practice space because ours belongs to our current drummer Brian
  • Booking tours (also a Brian duty)
  • Doing the band accounting (another Brian job)
  • Recording and producing our albums (Brian again)
  • Telling Brian he's fired

A caveat: we already have a Dave in the band, and to avoid confusion, you will have to pick a different first name. I think Steve Lombardo has a nice ring to it, but the choice is yours so long as it does not clash with any of our names and it passes our approval by a majority vote.

via Lich King's Facebook page

Read more from this hysterical open letter to Dave Lombardo from the band Lich King, and then get ready for them to come rock El Paso on April 15th, at "some dude's house". Get all their tour details and more about the band here.

And kudos to Mike Portnoy for having a great sense of humor to repost this on his facebook page!